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7 things that have surprised me about the first 5 months of pregnancy

30/07/2017 by Charlotte Leave a Comment

7 things that have surprised me most about the first 5 months of pregnancy Pregnancy is everything and nothing like you think it’ll be.

It’s something you see on TV and in magazines and all over Instagram, but when it comes-a-knocking at your door it’s still a surprise what it does to your mind and body. Or that’s what I’ve found anyway.

The past five and a bit months (or three and a bit, as I was blissfully unaware for six weeks) have been quite the roller coaster, so I thought I’d write about the elements I’ve found most surprising.

To be clear, I’m not complaining about any of this. I like to use this blog to chat about things I imagine other people have felt too, to help us all feel a bit less alone. Whether this is or is not your experience, I’m really interested, so please do let me know.

1. The isolation of the first trimester

I swear, I took the pregnancy test and the symptoms kicked in immediately. Nausea, exhaustion, sudden bursts of emotion, a constant fear that I was going to fall over and – my personal favourite – the relentless need to eat sugar.

And whilst all of that was to be expected, I didn’t expect to feel as isolated as I did. I couldn’t arrange many social activities for fear that I’d have to bail on them at the last minute as I felt too poorly. I also didn’t really feel up to going out and felt nervous when separated from my fridge, my steady supply of Laughing Cow cheese triangles, and my bed.

It didn’t occur to me that, because we wouldn’t tell most people I was pregnant until we’d had the 12 week scan, I’d just have to hang out by myself a lot and wait. I think my situation was magnified because we’d just moved house and we didn’t have Wi-Fi or terrestrial TV, so I had nothing but old DVDs to entertain me. (I’m not sure if you’ve watched one of those recently but you have to GET UP to change over to a new one, which is highly inconvenient.)

But anyway, that sense of isolation came as a surprise. I’m very happy to be able to leave the house again now.

2. My capacity for snacks

You don’t have to have read many posts on here to know that I like a sugary treat. And now that I’m pregnant that enjoyment has turned into a NEED. Consuming regular snacks feels crucial to my survival. Whereas previously I wouldn’t dream of leaving the house without an umbrella, now I wouldn’t go out without at least one chocolate coated bite.

The crazy hunger of the first 12-14 weeks has definitely eased off – I can now have my dinner after 5.30pm and not fear for my life – but I’m still chomping on the regular, just to make sure I stay upright. Even by my standards, a vast amount of sweet goods are passing my lips right now.

3. The things that have made me cry

Here’s a list of things that have made me cry since I’ve been pregnant, despite not being in any way sad.

A very happy Gavin and Stacey episode I have seen four million times
Being a bit too hot
Opening my birthday presents
Walking down the stairs
Walking up the stairs
My nephew giving me a little kiss on the cheek
The fact that it was Tuesday

Hormones exist to mess with us and I can confirm that mine are taking their job very seriously.

4. My new-found fear of loneliness

All being well, I’m going to have a small person to hang out with for the foreseeable future from the end of the year onwards. And I can’t wait, but it’s strange how, despite the constant promise of company, you can start to fear being simultaneously lonely.

It’s because it’s all unknown. The routine, what we will and won’t feasibly be able to do with a day, how I’ll cope with looking after somebody who can’t really communicate, how the inevitable exhaustion will affect my capacity to travel, interact and whatnot. I am game for all of it, but it has surprised me that these little pangs of fear have started to kick in.

I’m planning to do lots of things to address this. To build a sense of local community. To seek advice from the dozens of other people I know who’ve done this before. And to keep being honest about how I feel.

5. How quickly you fall into an existential crisis about who you are now

That there will be a person in the world to whom my name will be ‘mum’ is an incredible and bizarre thing. It’s a whole new role and dimension to my life that I welcome with open arms and relentlessly watering eyes.

I’ve been thinking a lot about all the other roles I have in the world – a wife, a friend, a sister, an auntie, a writer, a comms manager, a dedicated fan of leopard print clothing, a Coronation Street enthusiast – and how having a baby will affect each one.

I will, of course, continue to be all of these things (I’ve been delighted to find how prominent leopard print is within maternity wear), I’m just having that inevitable ponder about how each role will shift within the new, baby-inhabited world. I imagine all parents-to-be go through this thought process.

All I know is what’s important – no matter what kind of change you’re going through – is that you don’t lose sight of what matters to you. And that you let yourself figure out how to give each the appropriate amount of attention in your own time.

6. The crazy sense of vulnerability

I was once in such a rush in Central London that I didn’t just walk into a stranger, I walked up him. My feet were on his calves before I realised what I’d done. He was remarkably nice about it considering my incredible invasion of his personal space. But since I’ve been pregnant I’ve felt the need to slow down.

I’m frightened I’m going to fall over and do myself damage. I’m scared of people with bags whacking into me and hurting my small inhabitant. And I’m relieved every time I’ve manage to get home without incident. It all looks very melodramatic written down, but I guess that’s my point. The *drama* of these feelings has surprised me too.

I just feel a huge weight of responsibility (both physically and metaphorically), which is like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. Biology dictates that I’m the only one in our marriage who can carry this little being around for now, and I’m desperate not to put us in harm’s way. So a slower pace and avoiding walking up strangers feels sensible at this point.

7. That so much of this feels normal

I never thought it would feel normal to be kicked several times a day by a tiny person I’ve never met. But here we are. And I must admit it’s a relief that it doesn’t freak me out. Because it is a crazy thing to imagine before it happens and I worried I’d just spend the whole time scared.

And although fear is definitely a prominent feeling for me right now (but honestly when has it not been), excitement and determination are helping keep it at bay. I want to do this and when I don’t think about the details too much (denial will remain my friend until the third trimester, I’ve decided) I’m confident that I can.

That feeling alone has come as the biggest surprise of all.

Body image: Why we shouldn’t feel ashamed when we change

23/07/2017 by Charlotte Leave a Comment

Body image: Why we shouldn't feel ashamed when we change When I was first pregnant I found myself automatically apologising to my husband for the fact that my body would change.

And this is weird on several levels. Firstly, OF COURSE it’s going to change. How could you grow a new person within your own body without needing to make a little room?

Secondly, I didn’t do this on my own. I’m not going to draw you a picture but getting pregnant is very much a two person job and one we did on purpose. So, actually, I haven’t changed my body, we have.

And thirdly, why would a physical change require an apology anyway? Changing is what bodies do. We get older, we do varying levels of exercise, we experiment with the volume of Nobbly Bobbly ice creams we can consume during the summer months… We change together and support each other as we go.

But nonetheless, the instinct to apologise was there. He required no such thing, of course, because he’s not a dickhead, but this wasn’t really about him, anyway. It was about how I perceived myself, my own body image, and how we all respond to change, particularly when it occurs in women.

Several people have felt compelled to reassure me that ‘You can hardly tell you’re pregnant at all!’ or ‘Don’t worry, you’re wearing it well’ or ‘It’s OK because it’s just on your tummy and not on your face or anything’.

And it’s so strange because I’d be fine with it spreading anywhere it needs to go. I want people to be able to tell. A child is growing in here and I am happy to look however I need to keep us both safe.

When people say these things, I’m not even sure they know what they mean, only that, for the most part, they mean well. But I think it would be better for everyone if we stopped. There’s no need to panic. Bodies change and that’s OK.

Weight can, of course, be a huge trigger for insecurity, just like any other element of our appearance or lives. And I’m sure that many people who make these comments are just keen to keep everybody feeling good during such a gruelling process.

Body image: Why we shouldn't feel ashamed when we change But we mustn’t normalise the idea that a woman’s body changing is a bad thing. Because it isn’t.

What matters is how a person feels and that they’re healthy. And a positive status in both these areas looks very different from person to person. My healthy and your healthy, and my happy and your happy, no doubt do not look the same. And yours is absolutely none of my business.

Before I figured out that I was struggling with anxiety, I was often a little underweight. Nothing drastic but it was a side effect. When I look at my wedding pictures, I can see that although I’m happy in our relationship, I had some serious personal work to do. And since I’ve done that, I’ve had a steadier, healthier weight, which has involved getting a bit bigger, and that is a good thing.

I found it alarming that my instinct when I got pregnant was to say sorry for the changes my body would go through. That I felt the need to clarify whether my husband would manage to find me attractive during this time. (I am a constant source of Cadbury snacks right now – what could be more alluring than that?)

But I caught myself just in time and do not apologise any more. I am instead trying to enjoy this process, as much as the exhaustion/crying fits/surprise nausea will allow, anyway. Because this is a journey to something I want, so I wouldn’t have it any other way.

If we want to live in a world that’s kinder to women’s bodies, we have to start being kinder to ourselves.

We need to be more honest about what’s fuelling our thoughts. Are you apologising for your weight/look/whatever because you have done something wrong? Or because you’re afraid that if you don’t, somebody else will suggest that you should?

Because, you know what? That is one risk you can afford to take. Because anybody who suggests that is wrong. And they should be the one to say they’re sorry.

How to feel better about the way you dress

12/03/2017 by Charlotte Leave a Comment

I can count on one finger the number of times I’ve walked into an event and been 100% confident that I was wearing the right thing. It was my wedding day so I wore my wedding dress and I stand by that decision.

But the rest of the time, well, I’ve tried. Sometimes I’ve loved my top or my jeans or my ability to fit a vest top underneath anything in case of a draft. And other times, at best I’ve been unsure and at worst I’ve felt like a mess.

It’s only recently that I’ve acknowledged how much our self-esteem can be affected by how we feel about what we wear. I started listening to Dawn O’Porter’s podcast Get It On and it’s made me reassess my approach to clothes.

If you’re not familiar, the podcast is a series of half hour chats between Dawn and guests about how they dress. She’s interviewed lots of excellent people, including Dawn French, Fay Ripley, Chris O’Dowd and Jason Segel. The conversation is always fun – and often really funny – and all about what motivates each person when it comes to getting dressed, what they like and how they feel about clothes.

It really makes you appreciate the world of thoughts and feelings that everybody has about their appearance. I thought other people just fell out of bed and into the perfect outfit but GUESS WHAT it’s a process for everyone. It’s made me much happier about my wardrobe, and reminded me that clothes and deciding how you want to look should be fun.

As ever, a discovery that’s made me feel better is now on here for you to try should you wish to, along with it a list of rules I’m now living by when it comes to my clothes.

1: Remember who’s in charge

Oh hi, that’s you. The odd uniform, dress code, and unavoidable fancy dress party aside, most of the time it’s us who gets to call the shots about what we wear – not magazines, not adverts, and not some social media update about a fashion week with a hashtag you can’t decipher. It’s all up to us and the only rule we should follow is that we should feel good in what we put on. You can even wear red and pink together now and nobody will bat an eyelid, so go nuts.

2: Reserve the right to change your mind

Find me a person who can say they have never regretted an outfit and I will give you the LIAR. I’m from the pedal pusher, skirt-trouser, and Spice Girls-inspired platform trainer era, so if you want to chat about fashion faux-pas just walk this way. But it doesn’t matter, a risk or two won’t do you any harm. You’ve got to go with what you want and what feels right at the time. And worst case scenario, the laughs you’ll have with your children and grandchildren when you look back on photos of your hot pink cropped trousers will be priceless (at least that’s what I’m telling myself).

3: Repeat after me: Bodies change and that’s OK

My hips have expanded loads in the last couple of years – they might as well just write CREATING SPACE IN CASE OF CHILD on my body in stretch marks and be done with it. And other things have changed too – my weight, my skin, my hair – because that’s what it is to be a person who is ageing at the traditional rate. Some things that used to fit no longer do, and other things that used to look wrong now look better. It’s just the way it goes, and as long as we’re happy with our bodies and our health, we just need to roll with how our wardrobe options change with time.

4: Have a regular clear-out

Shopping for clothes used to be my favourite activity; now I prefer having a clear-out and taking a load down to the charity shop. The rule is: if it no longer makes you feel good, it goes. It sounds brutal but it works. And I don’t mean that you then have to replace everything that’s gone, but that you focus more on the items that do bring you joy, vary what you wear them with, and generally build a happier relationship with your wardrobe. Or that when you do buy something new, you do so better informed about the criteria an item needs to meet in order to secure a place on your rail.

5: It’s OK that other people will wear different things

You can waste a lifetime walking into parties, restaurants and offices and feeling like you’re wearing the wrong thing because it’s different from what other people have on. But there’s no right and wrong way to dress. Unless you’ve accidentally shown up without anything on, or you’ve chosen to wear your wedding dress to someone else’s nuptials (I dreamt that I did this and may never recover), you haven’t got it wrong. It’s OK to have your own personality and tastes, and to make your own assessment about how many layers are appropriate for the current climate. Other people’s clothes should reflect what they like and what suits them, they shouldn’t be a source of anxiety for you.

Life advice: Focus on the things you can control

26/02/2017 by Charlotte 6 Comments

All of a sudden we’re a pair of Londoners who own a car. It’s been a while since I was behind the wheel so I’ve been a little nervous. Partly because this is London and people here aren’t exactly known for their patience, and partly because I’m in my thirties now and a lot more aware of the vast array of things that could kill me than I was when I was younger.

But I read something this week that’s helping me build my confidence – in the car and elsewhere.

My brother bought me Derren Brown’s book ‘Happy’ for Christmas. (That I have been to see DB several times and am a huge fan of his always comes as a surprise to people, so SURPRISE, I love a good mind game). The book’s about how we can reframe the way we think in order to feel happier. I’m already pretty content, but I also spend a disproportionate amount of time worrying about what people think and the range of ways in which I’m failing, so I’ll take any help I can get.

It was this part that made me stop in my tracks and which I’ve found myself referring to ever since. Two lists – the things we can control, and the things we can’t:

It’s obvious when you see it written down, and yet so easy to forget when you’re busy or stressed or running low on self-esteem. He also suggests saying to yourself “It’s fine” when somebody does something that you don’t like but can’t change, to stop you from dwelling on the wrong things. (This obviously doesn’t apply in the face of crime/injustice; it’s for more small-scale, day to day irritations.)

When you realise what’s within your control, life becomes easier to handle. You can control what you say, but you can’t control how people respond. You can tell what you believe to be the funniest joke you’ve ever come up with, but you can’t control whether anybody will laugh at it, or if doing so will make them like you (heartbreaking, I know). You can be a super polite person who says please and thank you and excuse me may I sit down on that chair currently occupied by your bag? But you can’t stop people sighing like their possessions are more deserving of a seat than you are. You can only ever be you.

The more you adopt this way of thinking, the more you find yourself at each moment of the day spotting the things that you can and can’t do anything about. A bus driver flashed his lights to let me pull out of my driveway today, but when I was about to set off I saw that the bus was still moving so I stopped. The driver mouthed “GO ON THEN” and did a little angry-looking wave. I felt like a dickhead for a second until I remembered – I made a decision based on what I thought. How he responded was up to him. Previously I’d have gone over and over this but now I feel better equipped to prioritise what I should worry about. Make all the facial expressions you like, my friend, my judgment is all I’ve got.

You also can’t control the state that you find somebody in in any given situation – nor can you be expected to somehow know everything about them in advance. Their past, their fears, whether they’re hungry or tired or sad, if they’ve got a cold or a headache or a nasty itch on their back that just won’t go away. All you can do is try to be nice and fair and perhaps guide them to the nearest tree to use as a scratching device. Every time I remember that the way people behave ALWAYS has a billion times more to do with them than it does me, I feel a lot calmer.

When you’re reading a book you think you’ll remember every part forever, but then you move on to the next one and the next one and the memory starts to fade. So I’ve written this down to make sure I don’t forget, and because sharing bits of advice I’ve picked up about how to feel more confident has become a big part of what this blog is about, and I like that.

I hope you find this useful, but, of course, how you respond is very much up to you.

You’re not the girl you think you are

05/02/2017 by Charlotte 8 Comments

You’re not the girl who eats too many crisps. You’re the girl who likes to see potatoes put to good use.

You’re not the girl who couldn’t get a boyfriend until she was 20. You’re the girl who was biding her time.

You’re not the girl who should be ashamed of every rejection in her inbox. You’re the girl who was brave enough to try.

You’re not the girl whose use of social media is tedious and lame. You’re the girl whose use of social media is just as tedious and lame as everybody else’s.

You’re not the girl who’s too old to be afraid of the dark. You’re the girl who’s wise to prefer a world she can see.

You’re not the girl who once tripped over her clothes, fell face-first into a wall and never got over it. You’re the girl who learnt the hard way that long skirts are more dangerous than they appear.

You’re not the girl with the freaky double-jointed elbows. You’re the girl with a built-in party trick.

You’re not the girl who needs the toilet every 30 minutes. You’re the girl who can sometimes wait for 35.

You’re not the girl who cries too much in good times and bad. You’re the girl whose eyes overflow when she cares.

You’re not the girl who got sick on a night out and ruined everybody’s fun. You’re just the girl who got sick one time. It happens.

You’re not the girl who has eight marshmallows with her hot chocolate. You’re the girl who has nine because YOLO.

You’re not the girl who never stops making stupid jokes. You’re the girl whose comedy has niche appeal.

You’re not the girl who shouldn’t admit to listening to Westlife on a Sunday night. You’re the girl who knows a good key change when she hears one.

You’re not the girl who gives too much advice. You’re the girl who’s trying to help.

You’re not the girl who wears too much mascara. You’re the girl whose mum has said “Charlotte, are you unwell or have you just not put any make-up on yet?” enough times to know what she needs.

You’re not the girl who’s forever got her eye on the door. You’re the girl who just needs to know she can always go home if she wants to.

You’re not the girl who wasted Saturday night watching TV and eating Pringles. You’re the girl who’s finally learnt to have a rest when she needs it.

You’re not the girl who shares too many anecdotes about her baby nephew. You’re the girl who’s allowed to be proud.

You’re not the girl who owns too many grey t-shirts and notebooks. You’re the girl who knows that’s simply not possible.

You’re not the girl who lets her past dictate her future. You’re the girl who gets to start a new story every day.

You’re not the girl you think you are. You’re a woman who’s doing just fine.

Want a healthier relationship with your phone? Follow these eight rules

27/11/2016 by Charlotte Leave a Comment

There comes a moment when you have to stop blaming technology for distracting you from what you’re supposed to be doing, and take responsibility for the level to which you’re letting yourself be distracted.

I have a very mixed relationship with my phone. On the one hand, it’s a source of enough hilarious, brilliant and interesting articles, images and social media updates to keep me entertained until I’m 85. On the other, it could easily be the reason why I’ll reach that age without having achieved anything at all.

So I’m trying to take more responsibility for my screen time, to use my phone and other devices in a more considered way, and to henceforth live a life of productivity, peace and tranquility. (Ok, the last two are a little ambitious for somebody who lives in London so let’s just focus on getting more done for now…)

Here are eight rules I’m trying to live by – written down to hold me to account, and for the benefit of anyone who’d like to join me:

1. You don’t have to reply to that WhatsApp message right now.

I’m not sure what it is about this particular means of communication that makes us think our responses have to be immediate. But unless you’re due to meet up with the person contacting you right now, you are free to wait until a time that is convenient to come back to them.

I know that I have got into the habit of letting myself be interrupted and I don’t like it. You are allowed to carry on living your life as you had planned before your friend got in touch to ask how last night’s date was / to share a hilarious dog video. Respond later to tell them that you won’t be seeing the guy again because he kept saying ‘pacific’ instead of ‘specific’ / that it’s the best piece of footage you’ve ever seen. Messages like that are worth waiting for.

2. Take Facebook off your phone.

You know what it’s like, a small red ‘1’ pops up on your Facebook app and you feel compelled to stop everything and check what it’s for. Your eyes widen, your heart races, and your brain starts rushing through possibilities – maybe somebody likes something I’ve said! Or perhaps I’ve been invited to a super cool party! Or maybe somebody has put a nice comment about how much I look like the sculpture I’m impersonating in my holiday photos and I’ll feel validated for up to five minutes!

But I’m just not sure this constant feeling of high and low is good for us. It’s exhausting enough on a laptop screen, let alone when you carry it around in your pocket. So I’ve removed the app from my phone. I still look at Facebook on my computer because there are aspects of it that I like (such as the multiple opportunities it gives me to cry over lovely videos and photographs of Barack Obama and every ounce of hope I used to have for our world) but I feel more in control now. I make an active decision to look at it rather than just scrolling to it automatically.

Your emotions might not be as easily affected by social media as mine, in which case, I ENVY YOU. But if your mind and heart are as delicate as mine, I recommend finding small ways to set yourself free.

3. You don’t need to have the Internet switched on all the time.

I don’t turn on my 4G unless I really need to. This is partly because I’m tight and don’t want to end up paying extra because I got carried away watching a video of a cat playing with a bottle cap and used up all my data. But it’s more to do with the fact that I can feel my stress levels increase instantly when I look at my phone, particularly when I’m travelling or moving around London town and I’ve already got enough to think about. So I try to make a conscious choice not to do it, to do something more calming instead, and to re-engage with emails and whatever later on. I now use as much of the time I spend on trains as possible to read books, you know, like they did in olden times, and WOW do I feel better for it.

4. Don’t start your day by scrolling through your phone.

This is particularly difficult if your phone is also your alarm clock, as your finger is right there on the screen hitting snooze for the 15th time before you get up. It’s just too easy to take a trip around your apps before you go in the shower but try not to get sucked in. I read in a magazine that a healthy start to the day involves hydration and a nice breakfast, not scrolling through your friend’s Instagram feed and wondering why their social life is so much more exciting than yours. I KNOW, I WAS SURPRISED TOO.

5. The mute and unfollow buttons are your friends – use them.

Internet-inspired anger and self-loathing are the most unhealthy addictions I’ve developed since I discovered that Walkers has released its own version of Pringles and that they are, contrary to my initial fears, delicious. Neither emotion brings me any joy or useful knowledge and wastes time I could be using eating other new types of crisp.

And it’s this that makes you realise why the mute and unfollow buttons exist. Because you don’t have to listen to anyone – not on the Internet, anyway. It doesn’t matter if you’re friends in real life, or if everybody says they’re the blogger/writer/celebrity you have to follow, or if they follow you, you don’t have to have them in your feed. Hit that button and never look back. There are plenty of other things in the world that will send you into an emotional tailspin without social media updates being one of them.

The option to mute WhatsApp conversations is also a revelation for me. As I said before, I really struggle not to stop what I’m doing to respond to messages straight away. But if you mute a conversation, it won’t interrupt you – you can come back to it in your own time. It feels a bit harsh hitting the silence button but remember, you’re not making a statement about the people speaking to you, just about your need to live a more productive life outside of your phone.

6. Make better use of Twitter lists.

I would hate to find out how much of 2016 I’ve spent scrolling mindlessly through Twitter. Granted, this year has been so dire that it’s felt necessary to remain permanently online in case you miss yet another catastrophic voting outcome, death of a hero, or piece of worrying chocolate related news, but it’s still not a good use of time. So I’m trying to use Twitter lists more. If you’re not familiar, they let you create lists of Twitter accounts you’re particularly interested in. I have one for my friends and family, another for publications I’d like to write for, and I’m considering making one that is just filled with happy images of laughing babies or something, otherwise I fear I may never smile again.

7. Train yourself not to automatically check all your apps after taking a phone call or receiving a text.

Save ten minutes every time your phone makes a sound by not doing this!

I’m trying to prevent myself from doing this by asking: am I opening my apps to look for something in particular or am I just dicking about? The answer is pretty much always the latter and acknowledging that makes me snap out of it, put phone down and get back to whatever I was doing before it rang/beeped.

Even if your original activity wasn’t necessarily the most worthwhile or highbrow thing in the world (which I admit that eating cheese puffs in the bath is not) the point is that your phone shouldn’t have the power to interrupt you.

8. When you go out for dinner, leave your phone in your bag.

Look at any table in a bar or restaurant and in many cases you’ll see a phone for every person sitting there. But why? I understand that if a member of the party hasn’t arrived yet or you need to keep an eye out for a call from the babysitter then you may need your phone in sight, but otherwise put it away.

You get a much better experience of everybody if they’re completely in the room with you. Jobs and personal lives require people to be on their phones from time to time, but, if yours doesn’t, I say enjoy the break. Taste your food, look your pals in the eye, and give your thumbs a well-earned rest.

I can’t imagine anybody at the end of their life will wish they’d paid their social media followers more attention, but they might regret not listening to what their friends and family had to say.

In your thirties? How to overcome your inevitable existential crisis

06/11/2016 by Charlotte 6 Comments

I’ve noticed a pattern emerging amongst my fellow thirty-somethings. Every one I talk to seems to be asking themselves the same questions:

What am I doing with my life?

Why aren’t I as successful as (insert name of friend/foe/celebrity/fictional character)?

Why haven’t I achieved absolutely everything I can think of?

How on earth would I fit it all in, anyway?

I wonder if this is symptomatic of being this age. I think we all had certain expectations about what it would feel like to be 30+ and it’s hard to find that they haven’t come true. Just because our careers are ten years old, it doesn’t mean we necessarily all know what we want to do with our lives. Just because we’re in relationships, it doesn’t mean we feel grown up enough to tackle the very adult stuff around the corner – babies, mortgages, cars, commitments. And just because we have ambitions, it doesn’t mean we’ve made the progress with them that we want, or that we yet know how to even get them off the ground.

My friend told me the other day that any time she sees a film set in space, she’s reminded that she’s not an astronaut, so what has she even achieved really? I mean, she’s run the marathon, climbed Snowdon, cycled 100 miles in one go, and travelled the world, but she isn’t a spacewoman so OBVIOUSLY she’s failed.

I get it, I feel the same every time I read a book (which is frequently). I keep a list of everything I’ve read this year and it’s currently also doubling up as a list of everything I haven’t written. Way to turn a positive into a negative, Charlotte!

Welcome to the modern world where perspective is in short supply. But how do we drag ourselves out of this rut? Here are my suggestions:

These people you’re comparing yourself to – who are they, exactly?

I seem to waste a worrying amount of time comparing myself to people I don’t even know. People I follow on Twitter and Instagram, famous people, people on the street who I assume based on their jeans and top combination are nailing life…

But this is ridiculous. You know nothing about these people – about their lives, their backgrounds, their problems, their anxieties, their connections, their ANYTHING. You’re just letting your emotions be affected by a set of circumstances you in no way understand. By all means, be inspired by the achievements of others, but don’t feel bad because you haven’t got the same list; it’s a total waste of your time.

“But what if you’re comparing yourself to someone you do know?” you cry.

My response is this: no two human beings are the same and therefore the odds of achieving exactly the same things are extremely low. We bring different skills, perspectives, motivations and energy levels to everything that we do so we’re simply not going to live our lives in the same way.

I think it’s human nature to feel envious when we see people doing well in their field – particularly if we’re feeling under confident about our achievements within our own – but it isn’t healthy or helpful to get down about it. Why didn’t you come up with the same idea as them? Well, maybe it’s because you don’t have the expertise or the interest to do so, or, if you do, perhaps you just don’t have the time and space to have got there just yet. It’s not about making excuses – if you want something give it everything you’ve got – but don’t beat yourself up for getting there in your own time. And certainly don’t waste energy being envious of achievements you don’t even aspire to have – you could definitely be putting that to much better use.

If you want to feel more positive, you’re going to have to put the effort in

We aren’t tuned as human beings to focus on the positive aspects of our lives. I recommend reading this article on The Atlantic about how to build a happier brain. It’s all about the fact that, despite the vast level of positive things going on in our lives, we’re naturally wired to focus on the negative. This is because, way back when, we’d need to put real effort into staying alive – to not being eaten by lions or bears or whatever – so it made sense to always focus on the negative because otherwise the negative might kill us. But now, all being well, that isn’t a risk, and the negative aspects of our day are really not so bad and yet we still find reasons to focus on them because it’s the most natural position to take. So if we want to change this, we have to make our brains catch up with how good modern life actually is – to bring in the good thoughts, to make positivity a part of our day, and to gradually rewire our brains.

I know, as if we don’t already have enough to do!

Be honest about how much you really care

One of the most infuriating things about feeling inadequate, is that we can sometimes let ourselves feel it about things we don’t even really care about. You can find out that somebody else has been promoted into a role you really couldn’t bear to do, and still feel terrible because – even though you didn’t want it – you still feel that you’ve failed. You’ve failed by not being ambitious enough, in not pushing for the big title and money. Whereas actually you’ve succeeded – you dodged a position you didn’t want.

Knowing what you don’t want is just as much of an achievement as knowing what you do. It doesn’t feel like it, but it is. This knowledge frees you up to spot things that you would enjoy. Life is just one big whittling down process and you’re now one item further down on the list. Why don’t we go out for drinks to celebrate THAT?

But if you do want it, have you really tried yet?

OK, I’ll go first – NOPE. Not really. There are things that I’m frustrated to have not yet achieved that I have barely even attempted, so how can I justify feeling blue about it? At least try and fail before making time for sulking.

One of my biggest issues is focus: too many plates spinning at one time and not enough time and energy dedicated to getting the perfect turn on just one of them. This is partly down to being indecisive – I want to do everything and ideally immediately – but there’s also some fear, self-doubt, and basic poor time management thrown in for good measure.

These things are all resolvable. Don’t be scared – what’s the worst that can happen? Believe you can do it – because if you don’t, who else will? And just organise yourself better. I’m not going to suggest getting up earlier (although that is of course an option), I think it’s more about how you use the time you have. For me that means less dicking about on Twitter and more productivity.

Be a more informed user of the Internet, watcher of television and reader of magazines

Modern life is all about projection and it’s exhausting. Social media is filled with positive news about people’s jobs and relationships and whatnot and it can feel hard to escape from. I do it – I share things I’ve written because how else am I going to get people to read anything? But if social media were an honest reflection of life attempting to realise your dreams, mine would be a constant stream of updates about rejections I’ve had, ideas I can’t quite work through, and snacks I’ve eaten and regretted. The way we represent ourselves online can never be the whole picture so we have to put the effort into remembering that.

An advert came on for clothes to wear to a Christmas party the other day and I was reminded that every single year around this time I start to feel inadequate about my Christmas social life and wardrobe. Why do I do this?! It’s just advertising! It wants you to feel bad about yourself so that you’ll buy stuff.

The point is we have to make the decision to tune out, to remember that what we’re seeing isn’t the whole truth, and to try and live our lives in the present rather than through a screen. If nothing else, I simply don’t have the cash to live any other way.

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Whether you’re married, or in a relationship, or single and happy, or a huge fan of your job, or blissfully distracted by your hobbies, or just a really kind, generous and funny person, or just great at applying liquid eye liner… you’ve got lots going for you. We just have to learn how to acknowledge it, to identify what else we want, to put plans in place to get there, and to do so without getting distracted by what other people are doing.

I’m not saying it’s easy – I certainly continue to struggle with it – but it is necessary. This is all a question of time and priorities and feeling down because you’re not living somebody else’s life feels like a very bad choice for the top of the list.

Growing up and learning to find your voice

09/10/2016 by Charlotte 4 Comments

Step right up We were watching that episode of The Simpsons where Bart fights back against Nelson’s crew when they pick on Lisa and he gets beaten up for it. Marge wants Bart to report it to Principal Skinner but Homer says he can’t, it’s against the code of the school yard, which states:

Don’t tattle
Always make fun of those different from you
Never say anything unless you’re sure everyone feels the same way you do

So instead, Bart puts together an army and teaches Nelson a lesson. It’s every bullied child’s dream outcome and makes for a great episode. We had it on video at home so I know it pretty much word for word.

That code really does exist, or it certainly did at my school. To tattle or ‘dob in’ as us cool kids used to call it was very much frowned upon. Rule 2 was definitely kept to – sometimes at my expense, sometimes at other people’s, and I wouldn’t go back to that way of life for all the money in the world.

And rule 3 – I followed that so closely that I’m still learning to break it. I’m 31 years old and I know I don’t always value my voice. And I don’t think I’m alone in that – I think lots of us struggle to remember we have as much right to speak up as anyone else.

When we step into the real world, independence forces us to stand on our own. And with that comes a daily set of decisions – about whether to stand up for ourselves, for other people, and for what we think is right. Sometimes we make the correct call, sometimes we pick the wrong argument, and sometimes we walk away, never knowing what we could or should have done.

How to interact with people is a life-long course that we never finish taking. And the hardest part, in my view, is working out how to stand your ground without smashing it to pieces. How to say your piece without just screaming the house down or calling people names. How to come away having made a sound argument and, ideally, having persuaded somebody to think a little differently.

If having arguments with people in your head isn’t one of your favourite pastimes then I guess we’re just very different people but I do it ALL the time. I run through exactly what I’d say if only I had the guts and the promise of no repercussions. I’m excellent at it when I have total control, but sadly the world will never know.

In reality, speaking up can sometimes feel like a maverick thing to do, even when it’s totally justified. Whether it’s to say no, I’d rather we didn’t split the bill, I only had a tap water and a side, or, actually, that was my idea, not yours and you know it, or I’m not going to let you speak to me that way, fighting back can feel so bold. I am doing it now, more and more, but I’m never not shaking afterwards.

There are lots of things that can make speaking up feel like the hardest thing in the world. Louder voices, hierarchy, education, subject matter. Sometimes you worry that you’re going to ruin a nice time by contradicting a group decision or a consensus. But it’s OK – as always, it’s all about how you say it. Think like a human being and you’ll be fine.

I’m talking about this now because it feels more important than ever that we’re not afraid to speak up for what’s right. There’s a lot of nastiness, a lot of hate, and a lot of frightening rhetoric around. In this country, in the US, all over. And if we don’t speak out against it and challenge those trying to marginalise and disempower people, it’s going to become the norm. Then goodness knows what comes next.

Of course, what I’m talking about is more complex and important than minor social disagreements, but empowering yourself to take those on puts you in a better position to tackle the big stuff when it comes – and anyway, this is also where you’re likely to hear a lot of it. Whether it’s misogyny over the dinner table or racism on social media or bullying amongst so-called friends – it’s our duty to call it out and push for kindness, equality and understanding instead.

I have a voice and so do you and we don’t just deserve to use them, we have to. If The Simpsons has taught us anything, it’s that bullies know exactly what they are, they just think they can get away with it.

Life advice: Stop trying to do everything at once

07/08/2016 by Charlotte Leave a Comment

Be happy This week I finally realised that it’s OK to admit that you’re not capable of doing absolutely everything at once.

This is not a radical discovery but, in a world where relentless multitasking is a way of life, acceptance of this fact does feel like one.

If you’re anything like me, the only way that you will come to accept that you’re not a failure because you can’t manage to be in 55 places, achieving 307 things at once, is if somebody else says it to you.

Sit with a friend or a family member and list all of the things you’re currently achieving, everything you’d still like to do, and then berate yourself for being lazy because you aren’t managing to do it all. Now take a look at their face. They will shake their head. They may even laugh at the absurdity of what you’re saying. And then they’ll look you in the eye and tell you to calm down. You’re doing plenty, they’ll say, have a bloody lie down.

You need to decide what your priorities are, and then to give yourself permission to do those things without feeling bad about it. It doesn’t mean you can’t do additional stuff too, just that the bulk of your time, energy, thought, money – whatever – goes in that direction and you don’t beat yourself up for it. You don’t waste brain space feeling inadequate.

My current number one and two are: freelance writing – doing the work I have, and finding more; and, as soon as we get our sh*t together, attempting to find somewhere new to live in London. I will be doing plenty of other stuff too – eating, sleeping, going to work, eating nectarines over the sink, setting aside time to make incomprehensible notes that might one day turn into a story, consuming passionfruit margaritas, talking to strangers who definitely didn’t ask to hear about my baby nephew… oh, and maintaining relationships with my husband/family/friends/Coronation Street – but these are the life goals that I need to be making most progress with right now.

One of the most useful things I’ve learnt since becoming an adult, working person, is that if you attempt to do too many things in one go, you’ll either end up getting nothing done, or you’ll do all of them badly. Focus is everybody’s best friend; I just wish she’d come round more often than her pals Distraction, Procrastination, and I Wonder What Everybody’s Up To On Facebook? We just have to be strict with ourselves. As I’ve written before, if I didn’t have my egg timer, I don’t know how I’d get anything done.

Even more powerful than not physically attempting to do it all, is giving yourself the mental freedom to stop the internal dialogue that tells you that you’re failing. That voice that says, well yes, maybe you are doing this piece of work, and meeting this deadline, and fitting in some quality time with your loved ones, but how can you enjoy yourself knowing that you haven’t also written a best-selling novel? How can you let yourself have a holiday when you could be auditioning Hollywood actors for the film adaptation of your memoir? OH YEAH YOU HAVEN’T WRITTEN ONE YET – UNPACK YOUR SUITCASE AND GET BACK TO YOUR DESK.

My opinion is this: if you’ve already got so much on your plate, why would you add self-criticism to your to-do list too? This is all about being realistic, and chucking in a couple of hours a day to berate yourself because you’re not Wonder Woman is the precise opposite of that.

So let’s be a little bit kinder to ourselves, shall we?

Great. Well, that’s my allotted hour of creativity done for the day, now onto the next thing. But not before I’ve had a little rest. A girl can only do so much, you know.

Body image: Be careful with your words

13/03/2016 by Charlotte 4 Comments

20151112_101751 After a week of activities celebrating all things International Women’s Day, one issue has stood out for me above all the rest.

Now this is a tricky statement – there’s a lot of stuff we need to put right, a lot standing between us and equality – and I’m not saying one thing matters more than another. I’m just saying that one topic that kept arising over and over again has really stuck in my mind and made me want to do something about it.

And that is: body image.

I went to see Caitlin Moran on Tuesday night (and wrote about it afterwards). I went to a brilliant event for UCL Women’s Day on Wednesday called ‘What’s funny about Everyday Sexism?’ and heard from the very funny and very wise Cally Beaton, Luisa Omielan and Laura Bates. And then this weekend I’ve been to more of the Women of the World Festival (WOW) at the Southbank Centre. (Yes I am quite tired now.)

And every single time, body image came up in a big way.

The way women and girls see themselves.

The inability so many of us have to just accept a compliment.

The level to which we – from a frighteningly young age – want to change the way we look, lose weight, be ‘prettier’.

The perception that ‘pretty’ means ‘successful’.

The terrifying damage that feeling we don’t look ‘right’ can do to our minds, our lives, our bodies.

The relentless apologising we do for our legs, our stomachs, our flesh.

The words so many of us use to describe ourselves – always caveated, mocking, self-deprecating.

The need for all of this to stop.

There are two short videos that you should watch on this subject:

At WOW, Radio 1 DJ and all-round excellent female Gemma Cairney showed a film she made for the festival last year. She’d been around the country speaking to young girls about the issues affecting them. It broke my heart.

Stand-up comedian Luisa Omielan does an amazing routine about the ridiculous way women speak about their bodies and why it needs to change. This woman is hilarious, wise as hell AND on YouTube.

We all know this is a big issue but it’s only when you see it on this scale, on this kind of stage that we realise how widespread it is and how urgently we need to make a change.

20160227_160954 I’ve written before about my own inability to take a compliment without making a joke. This remains a struggle. Partly because I enjoy making bad jokes more than I should, and partly because I’m genuinely just too embarrassed to say “Thank you. I chose this outfit/hair cut/pair of gold polka dot brogues on purpose and I stand by that decision.” After this week, I am going to get better at this.

Because not only is it important for my own happiness, confidence, and basic good manners, it’s important for all of us. We need to be careful with our words. The more we hear people putting themselves down, the more we think that’s what we all have to do, that it’s the polite way to speak about our bodies.

The more we stand in front of the mirror next to a friend saying ‘OH MY GOD I LOOK LIKE AN ACTUAL BAG OF RUBBISH. I SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED OUTSIDE!’ the more they’re going to respond with ‘YOU LOOK LIKE RUBBISH? I LOOK LIKE A BANANA THAT’S BEEN TRAVELLING AROUND IN SOMEONE’S HANDBAG FOR A WEEK – JUST A MESS!’

Seriously, why is this a thing?

There is much to be done about what other people expect from women in terms of our appearance – about the way we’re represented, about what we’re all taught about how women and girls supposedly should look.

But starting with the way we talk about our own bodies and those of our friends and peers is most definitely a good place to start.

Because if we all stop saying the bad things, eventually we’ll stop hearing them.

And if we all stop hearing them, then perhaps we’ll stop believing them.

And if we all stop believing them, the better prepared we’ll be to take on anyone who dares suggest that we should be anything other than just the way we are.