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Life lessons learnt in lockdown

17/05/2020 by Charlotte Leave a Comment

purple flowers and large trees in a sunny park

So it is possible to be organised enough with your meal planning and food shopping to avoid going to the supermarket twice a day, everyday. Who knew?

My husband has done truly wonderful and thoughtful things for our family during lockdown. But I’m sorry to inform you that removing his empty coffee cups, plates and chocolate wrappers from our office at the end of the working day is not one of them.

When I thought perhaps my daughter would enjoy doing an online workout with me I was wrong. She lies down the moment it starts and doesn’t get up until it’s over, and I respect that decision.

Buying a set of houseplants is a bit like having a load more babies to look after. Except these ones come with INSTRUCTIONS.

Though spending so much time at home with a toddler is far from easy, there is no human being on earth who could make me laugh so frequently as she does – and laughing helps.

The best way to check how stressed I’m feeling is to fall asleep and see what my dreams look like. Oh hello ALL OF MY FEARS ACTED OUT IN TECHNICOLOUR. Perhaps I am a little closer to the edge than I realised.

I can write with my daughter bouncing up and down on the sofa next to me, leaning on me, attempting to push me off my chair, saying “Can I help you, mummy” and punching my keyboard… you name it. It’s not my preferred way of working, but I now know I can do it. She is simultaneously the cutest and most destructive co-worker I have ever had.

Related: I have also learnt the importance of the ‘save’ function.

mum and daughter sat on the floor decorating chocolate

My phone is both crucial to keeping me connected to the outside world, and the item most capable of making me feel disconnected from myself when I forget to use it wisely.

There’s a reason everybody is baking so much during lockdown – it helps. You can look at it and say “Well, if I achieve nothing else today, at least I made that.”

…There’s also a direct link between my husband saying he’s going to exercise, and me wanting to bake something unhealthy. My commitment to balance in this marriage knows no bounds.

There is no greater high than coming up with an activity to do with your toddler and seeing them actually engage with it for more than three seconds.

Related: melting chocolate and using it to make chocolate buttons was a great thing to do with our daughter because a) she seemed to genuinely enjoy it (particularly the part where she poured the whole bowl of hundreds and thousands we were using as decorations on the kitchen floor) and b) I got to eat everything we made.

It’s astounding how much simply tidying up a shelf or sorting out the cutlery drawer can do for morale when you’re spending this much time at home. Of course we have little time do such things, but when we do find a window – wow, what a boost!

Finishing the day with a walk by myself with my headphones in and a podcast on – the sillier the better – does more for my sanity than I ever could have imagined.

…And when I feel I don’t have the energy to go on that walk, that’s when I need it most.

Limitations on the amount of time you can spend outside make you appreciate the insane beauty of flowers, trees, birds, the sky… all of it. I won’t be taking those things for granted any more.

If your two-year-old insists on listening to their audiobook of The Gruffalo enough times, you will become able to recite it on demand. I’m not sure this will prove a useful skill beyond my lounge, but I’ll chuck it on my CV anyway.

I can ask my mum to hold the phone a bit further away from her face so that I can see more than just her chin during a video call as many times as I like. It’s clearly never going to work.

Just because you found being a parent difficult today, it doesn’t mean you will tomorrow. Hang in there.

The bar for what classes as a life update worth sharing with other people has never been lower. I’ve got some new address stickers for our wheelie bins! I’ve started adding mascarpone to meals and it’s great, isn’t it! I thought there was a spider on the kitchen floor but it was actually a ball of my hair! I don’t care if you care, I have to talk to someone.

There’s a time and a place to let your husband know how much it irritates you that he doesn’t tidy up as he goes whilst cooking, and the second he places the meal he’s kindly made in front of you is not it.

There’s nothing like spending every hour of every day with a toddler by your side, copying your every move, to make you realise how much of your life you spend with your hands on your hips (the entire time, apparently).

My capacity for guilt as a parent is so huge that I even feel guilty that my child is having to cope with living through a pandemic, despite the fact that I PLAYED NO PART IN BRINGING IT ABOUT, OBVIOUSLY.

I don’t need to spend anywhere near as much time explaining myself as I thought. Don’t want to have a video call tonight? Don’t. Need a night off your phone? Have it. Only free to work at set times because you have a child? It’s all OK. This period has taught me how much better I feel – and how much more helpful a person I am to know – when I own my circumstances and stop apologising.

There’s something touching and heartbreaking about seeing your child step aside to let strangers pass in the park and say “We need to give people lots of space” even though they have absolutely no idea why.

No, I probably shouldn’t be letting my daughter chuck the tubs of water filled with food colouring she plays with in the garden all over the flowers we’re attempting to grow. But I’m just so happy that she wants to help, who cares if the sunflowers come up blue.

It’s incredibly difficult not to let the vast levels of anxiety involved with simply leaving the house during this crisis spill out into your parenting. When it inevitably happens, noticing, slowing down, and taking a moment to be kind to everyone – including yourself – helps.

It’s been said a billion times before but this is unchartered territory. If you feel like you’re not great at this, it’s because there’s no way you could be.

No matter how many weeks and months we spend at home, it will never be enough to get all the laundry clean, dry and put away, so I may as well stop trying.

Our marriage is at its best when we take the time to spot ways to make life easier for each other. And that can only happen if we keep talking about how we’re feeling.

There’s a difference between both being at home all the time, and actually spending quality time together as a couple. We still have to put the effort in and that currently takes the form of a takeaway and a chat on a Saturday night. I look forward to it all week.

A typical day as a mum for me right now looks like this – I’m knackered all day, unsure as to what we should do most of the time, delighted when there’s calm, ecstatic when there’s joy, gutted when there are tears, game for every cuddle I can get, and so very ready for a break when bedtime rolls around. And then the second she’s asleep, I miss her. Get comfortable with feeling 45 emotions at all times and you’ll be the greatest, most content parent there’s ever been.

It is entirely possible to be both grateful for everything that makes your life good and your problems manageable, and free to mention that you’re finding this situation somewhat trying. We are all a lot of things at the moment.

Whatever you’re waiting for – whether it’s the delivery of a new office chair, some much-needed flour, or for the time when you’ll get to hug your family and friends again, it will come. Hold on.

Things I want to keep in mind during this strange and scary period of social distancing

29/03/2020 by Charlotte Leave a Comment

I had an idea last week to write a list of things I wanted to keep in mind while we all stay at home to help reduce the spread of Coronavirus. I’m so glad I waited until we’d actually experienced a full five days at home trying to live and work and look after our toddler before I wrote it. Optimism is essential right now but so is a strong dose of reality, which I think we all got this week.

This is not an attempt at advice. There is no pandemic experience on my CV. This is just a list of stuff I want to keep in mind to help maintain my perspective (and sanity) in the weeks and months to come.

It’s also an excuse to communicate with the outside world. Hello out there, I do hope you’re OK and staying safe. If nothing else, this should at least help you pass a few minutes.

1.You don’t suddenly have to become a different kind of parent

When this all kicked off, the internet became flooded with tips for things to do at home with children, which is great.

But as always, if we’re not careful, we can suffer from the flipside of social media: comparison syndrome. As I’ve discussed before, since becoming a mum I’ve spent a ridiculous amount of time feeling inadequate because I don’t have the exact same skills and ideas as every other mother on the planet.

But I want to remember that I don’t suddenly have to become a nursery nurse, children’s entertainer and Blue Peter presenter all rolled into one just because we’re suddenly spending so much time at home. Yes I will try some new things and find nice ways to entertain our daughter. And we’re adapting our routine to make the best of the current constraints. But that will do. Normal life was working well for us, so the closer I can keep our days to feeling like they usually do, the calmer we’ll all feel.

2. Television is not the enemy

People talk so much about children and TV so I won’t harp on – all I want to say is this: my toddler, just like me and her dad, needs to wind down sometimes. She gets tired, she needs a bit of space, and she likes to catch up with the characters she loves. So at certain times of the day, we let her watch some telly.

This period we’re facing is bizarre, unsettling and weirdly knackering, so I’m sure she will end up watching a bit more than usual, should it make sense for us and her in the moment. An excess is bad for everyone, but the odd dose of comfort won’t do anybody any harm.

3. What I wear has a huge impact on how I feel

I gave birth to our daughter in November 2017 and we were then indoors most of the time for months. That period taught me (along with a million other things) how strong an impact my appearance has on my mental wellbeing. To feel like the day is worth doing, I need to look in the mirror and see somebody who would be happy to open the door to a human being who doesn’t love them unconditionally.

I don’t mean I need to put on a chuffing dress and heels to feel like a person, I just need actual clothes. My pyjamas are the best things in the world at bedtime, but if I’m still wearing them too late in the morning, and I’m not doing so because I’m resting, I start to feel sad. So getting up and dressed like I’ve got somewhere to go is a must for me.

4. We won’t all feel the same way at the same time

At separate points this week, all three of us had a moment when our current living situation proved too much. Leon got stressed out. I had to leave the room as the mess, noise and unwillingness by some residents to just EAT THEIR DINNER was doing my nut. And then – because why should she be left out – our toddler declared, if only through her body language and disproportionate irritation with her snack bowl, that she too was finding this situation to be bullsh*t.

It sounds ridiculous, but I hadn’t realised that we wouldn’t all necessarily be in the same place emotionally at the same time, and that that would be a challenge to manage in itself. Sometimes our daughter just needs us to hold her. Sometimes Leon needs to go out for a run by himself. And sometimes I need to eat an entire easter egg in front of The Mindy Project undisturbed. If we can all just do our best to give each other what we need during this time, it’ll make getting through it easier.

5. Any amount of time outdoors is worth having

We can’t go far and we can’t go within two metres of other people, but we can still go outside. Even just ten minutes outdoors can make all the difference. It’s easy to feel like it’s not worth the effort, that if you’re not going out somewhere proper then you might as well not go out at all, but even just a small dose of fresh air can make everything look brighter.

We’ve started going for a run about in our local park in the morning to let off steam and it’s become the highlight of our day. I hope that when this is all over we carry on treasuring every opportunity we have to play together outdoors.

6. Gratitude does everybody good

It’s good for people to know we’re grateful for the difference they make to us, and it lifts our spirits too to step back and acknowledge the things we appreciate. I said at the start of the year how grounding and therapeutic I find jotting down a list of things I’m grateful for each week, however small. I definitely want to keep doing this, to help me spot all the lovely moments that are punctuating our days as a family during this peculiar time, whether it’s fresh air, good health, cuddles with my daughter, or every bite of Cadbury’s chocolate I can get my hands on.

7. Make time to read

Reading makes me feel calmer than pretty much anything else. Because this crisis is so distracting, I’ve found that I’ve defaulted to sitting and scrolling through my phone rather than thinking about what would be a more relaxing use of time. The more lost or unfulfilled I feel, the more I find myself on my phone but it usually just makes me feel worse. So I want to actively decide to use the rare chunks of time I have to myself to read a book instead.

8. Keep creating

I always feel a lot more fulfilled when I’ve found time to make something. Whether I’ve tried a new recipe, drawn a picture with my daughter or written a blog, I feel better for it. I’m not overwhelmed with free time – that concept flew out the window the second I became a mum – so I want to make the most of any opportunities I have to be even slightly creative. For example, baking a batch of rice crispy cakes could class as a form of artistic expression, couldn’t it…?

9. I will never regret having extra time with my family

Extra time together in all its forms, however tricky to navigate it may be, is a gift. I’ve another blog brewing about how much I already know I’m going to miss our daughter being two years old, so I want to remember that this is actually all bonus time with her. And though I wish it was in different circumstances, having her dad around so much more than usual is great.

Don’t get me wrong, we’re a week in, I’m shattered and would not say no to a bit of space if it was available to me. But there are numerous lovely moments to be found amongst the chaos, and we’re lucky to have them.

10. Make the time to communicate

Just because Leon is working here, it doesn’t mean I’ll know how his day went unless I ask. Sure, I’ll know that our daughter decided to join him for a conference call and serenade his colleagues with a rendition of Baa Baa Black Sheep, but there might be other stuff he needs to unload. We still need to talk to each other.

Our daughter remains a two-year-old and, as such, not the best at articulating how she feels. Although this situation is exasperating at times, I need to make sure I stop and explain to her what’s going on, and help her tell me what’s up too. This will never stop being true, our current situation has just highlighted how quickly things will crumble if I don’t.

And regular check-ins with other friends and family are important as well. Finding the energy to get back on your laptop after a day’s work for a video call is a bit tough. But it’s worth it to share laughs and updates with people I don’t get to see everyday. A pandemic is a crazy and scary thing to live through. I want to remember how important it is to stay in touch and help each other through it.

11. If we look back on this time and our biggest complaint is that we felt bored and cooped up, we will be the lucky ones

There are thousands of people who are putting themselves at risk everyday by carrying on doing their jobs. And there are plenty of others for whom this crisis is much scarier than it is for people like me.

Having to stay home, work without childcare and cope with how strange and apocalyptic life feels right now is hard, and I’m all in favour of allowing ourselves to acknowledge every feeling we experience.

I also know that it will help me to keep going when this period feels endless if I remember that these are all entirely bearable hardships, and that if we all just keep doing as we’re told, we’ll help bring this crisis to an end.

Stay strong everyone, and stay safe.

You’re not the girl you think you are

05/02/2017 by Charlotte 8 Comments

You’re not the girl who eats too many crisps. You’re the girl who likes to see potatoes put to good use.

You’re not the girl who couldn’t get a boyfriend until she was 20. You’re the girl who was biding her time.

You’re not the girl who should be ashamed of every rejection in her inbox. You’re the girl who was brave enough to try.

You’re not the girl whose use of social media is tedious and lame. You’re the girl whose use of social media is just as tedious and lame as everybody else’s.

You’re not the girl who’s too old to be afraid of the dark. You’re the girl who’s wise to prefer a world she can see.

You’re not the girl who once tripped over her clothes, fell face-first into a wall and never got over it. You’re the girl who learnt the hard way that long skirts are more dangerous than they appear.

You’re not the girl with the freaky double-jointed elbows. You’re the girl with a built-in party trick.

You’re not the girl who needs the toilet every 30 minutes. You’re the girl who can sometimes wait for 35.

You’re not the girl who cries too much in good times and bad. You’re the girl whose eyes overflow when she cares.

You’re not the girl who got sick on a night out and ruined everybody’s fun. You’re just the girl who got sick one time. It happens.

You’re not the girl who has eight marshmallows with her hot chocolate. You’re the girl who has nine because YOLO.

You’re not the girl who never stops making stupid jokes. You’re the girl whose comedy has niche appeal.

You’re not the girl who shouldn’t admit to listening to Westlife on a Sunday night. You’re the girl who knows a good key change when she hears one.

You’re not the girl who gives too much advice. You’re the girl who’s trying to help.

You’re not the girl who wears too much mascara. You’re the girl whose mum has said “Charlotte, are you unwell or have you just not put any make-up on yet?” enough times to know what she needs.

You’re not the girl who’s forever got her eye on the door. You’re the girl who just needs to know she can always go home if she wants to.

You’re not the girl who wasted Saturday night watching TV and eating Pringles. You’re the girl who’s finally learnt to have a rest when she needs it.

You’re not the girl who shares too many anecdotes about her baby nephew. You’re the girl who’s allowed to be proud.

You’re not the girl who owns too many grey t-shirts and notebooks. You’re the girl who knows that’s simply not possible.

You’re not the girl who lets her past dictate her future. You’re the girl who gets to start a new story every day.

You’re not the girl you think you are. You’re a woman who’s doing just fine.

Want a healthier relationship with your phone? Follow these eight rules

27/11/2016 by Charlotte Leave a Comment

There comes a moment when you have to stop blaming technology for distracting you from what you’re supposed to be doing, and take responsibility for the level to which you’re letting yourself be distracted.

I have a very mixed relationship with my phone. On the one hand, it’s a source of enough hilarious, brilliant and interesting articles, images and social media updates to keep me entertained until I’m 85. On the other, it could easily be the reason why I’ll reach that age without having achieved anything at all.

So I’m trying to take more responsibility for my screen time, to use my phone and other devices in a more considered way, and to henceforth live a life of productivity, peace and tranquility. (Ok, the last two are a little ambitious for somebody who lives in London so let’s just focus on getting more done for now…)

Here are eight rules I’m trying to live by – written down to hold me to account, and for the benefit of anyone who’d like to join me:

1. You don’t have to reply to that WhatsApp message right now.

I’m not sure what it is about this particular means of communication that makes us think our responses have to be immediate. But unless you’re due to meet up with the person contacting you right now, you are free to wait until a time that is convenient to come back to them.

I know that I have got into the habit of letting myself be interrupted and I don’t like it. You are allowed to carry on living your life as you had planned before your friend got in touch to ask how last night’s date was / to share a hilarious dog video. Respond later to tell them that you won’t be seeing the guy again because he kept saying ‘pacific’ instead of ‘specific’ / that it’s the best piece of footage you’ve ever seen. Messages like that are worth waiting for.

2. Take Facebook off your phone.

You know what it’s like, a small red ‘1’ pops up on your Facebook app and you feel compelled to stop everything and check what it’s for. Your eyes widen, your heart races, and your brain starts rushing through possibilities – maybe somebody likes something I’ve said! Or perhaps I’ve been invited to a super cool party! Or maybe somebody has put a nice comment about how much I look like the sculpture I’m impersonating in my holiday photos and I’ll feel validated for up to five minutes!

But I’m just not sure this constant feeling of high and low is good for us. It’s exhausting enough on a laptop screen, let alone when you carry it around in your pocket. So I’ve removed the app from my phone. I still look at Facebook on my computer because there are aspects of it that I like (such as the multiple opportunities it gives me to cry over lovely videos and photographs of Barack Obama and every ounce of hope I used to have for our world) but I feel more in control now. I make an active decision to look at it rather than just scrolling to it automatically.

Your emotions might not be as easily affected by social media as mine, in which case, I ENVY YOU. But if your mind and heart are as delicate as mine, I recommend finding small ways to set yourself free.

3. You don’t need to have the Internet switched on all the time.

I don’t turn on my 4G unless I really need to. This is partly because I’m tight and don’t want to end up paying extra because I got carried away watching a video of a cat playing with a bottle cap and used up all my data. But it’s more to do with the fact that I can feel my stress levels increase instantly when I look at my phone, particularly when I’m travelling or moving around London town and I’ve already got enough to think about. So I try to make a conscious choice not to do it, to do something more calming instead, and to re-engage with emails and whatever later on. I now use as much of the time I spend on trains as possible to read books, you know, like they did in olden times, and WOW do I feel better for it.

4. Don’t start your day by scrolling through your phone.

This is particularly difficult if your phone is also your alarm clock, as your finger is right there on the screen hitting snooze for the 15th time before you get up. It’s just too easy to take a trip around your apps before you go in the shower but try not to get sucked in. I read in a magazine that a healthy start to the day involves hydration and a nice breakfast, not scrolling through your friend’s Instagram feed and wondering why their social life is so much more exciting than yours. I KNOW, I WAS SURPRISED TOO.

5. The mute and unfollow buttons are your friends – use them.

Internet-inspired anger and self-loathing are the most unhealthy addictions I’ve developed since I discovered that Walkers has released its own version of Pringles and that they are, contrary to my initial fears, delicious. Neither emotion brings me any joy or useful knowledge and wastes time I could be using eating other new types of crisp.

And it’s this that makes you realise why the mute and unfollow buttons exist. Because you don’t have to listen to anyone – not on the Internet, anyway. It doesn’t matter if you’re friends in real life, or if everybody says they’re the blogger/writer/celebrity you have to follow, or if they follow you, you don’t have to have them in your feed. Hit that button and never look back. There are plenty of other things in the world that will send you into an emotional tailspin without social media updates being one of them.

The option to mute WhatsApp conversations is also a revelation for me. As I said before, I really struggle not to stop what I’m doing to respond to messages straight away. But if you mute a conversation, it won’t interrupt you – you can come back to it in your own time. It feels a bit harsh hitting the silence button but remember, you’re not making a statement about the people speaking to you, just about your need to live a more productive life outside of your phone.

6. Make better use of Twitter lists.

I would hate to find out how much of 2016 I’ve spent scrolling mindlessly through Twitter. Granted, this year has been so dire that it’s felt necessary to remain permanently online in case you miss yet another catastrophic voting outcome, death of a hero, or piece of worrying chocolate related news, but it’s still not a good use of time. So I’m trying to use Twitter lists more. If you’re not familiar, they let you create lists of Twitter accounts you’re particularly interested in. I have one for my friends and family, another for publications I’d like to write for, and I’m considering making one that is just filled with happy images of laughing babies or something, otherwise I fear I may never smile again.

7. Train yourself not to automatically check all your apps after taking a phone call or receiving a text.

Save ten minutes every time your phone makes a sound by not doing this!

I’m trying to prevent myself from doing this by asking: am I opening my apps to look for something in particular or am I just dicking about? The answer is pretty much always the latter and acknowledging that makes me snap out of it, put phone down and get back to whatever I was doing before it rang/beeped.

Even if your original activity wasn’t necessarily the most worthwhile or highbrow thing in the world (which I admit that eating cheese puffs in the bath is not) the point is that your phone shouldn’t have the power to interrupt you.

8. When you go out for dinner, leave your phone in your bag.

Look at any table in a bar or restaurant and in many cases you’ll see a phone for every person sitting there. But why? I understand that if a member of the party hasn’t arrived yet or you need to keep an eye out for a call from the babysitter then you may need your phone in sight, but otherwise put it away.

You get a much better experience of everybody if they’re completely in the room with you. Jobs and personal lives require people to be on their phones from time to time, but, if yours doesn’t, I say enjoy the break. Taste your food, look your pals in the eye, and give your thumbs a well-earned rest.

I can’t imagine anybody at the end of their life will wish they’d paid their social media followers more attention, but they might regret not listening to what their friends and family had to say.

In your thirties? How to overcome your inevitable existential crisis

06/11/2016 by Charlotte 6 Comments

I’ve noticed a pattern emerging amongst my fellow thirty-somethings. Every one I talk to seems to be asking themselves the same questions:

What am I doing with my life?

Why aren’t I as successful as (insert name of friend/foe/celebrity/fictional character)?

Why haven’t I achieved absolutely everything I can think of?

How on earth would I fit it all in, anyway?

I wonder if this is symptomatic of being this age. I think we all had certain expectations about what it would feel like to be 30+ and it’s hard to find that they haven’t come true. Just because our careers are ten years old, it doesn’t mean we necessarily all know what we want to do with our lives. Just because we’re in relationships, it doesn’t mean we feel grown up enough to tackle the very adult stuff around the corner – babies, mortgages, cars, commitments. And just because we have ambitions, it doesn’t mean we’ve made the progress with them that we want, or that we yet know how to even get them off the ground.

My friend told me the other day that any time she sees a film set in space, she’s reminded that she’s not an astronaut, so what has she even achieved really? I mean, she’s run the marathon, climbed Snowdon, cycled 100 miles in one go, and travelled the world, but she isn’t a spacewoman so OBVIOUSLY she’s failed.

I get it, I feel the same every time I read a book (which is frequently). I keep a list of everything I’ve read this year and it’s currently also doubling up as a list of everything I haven’t written. Way to turn a positive into a negative, Charlotte!

Welcome to the modern world where perspective is in short supply. But how do we drag ourselves out of this rut? Here are my suggestions:

These people you’re comparing yourself to – who are they, exactly?

I seem to waste a worrying amount of time comparing myself to people I don’t even know. People I follow on Twitter and Instagram, famous people, people on the street who I assume based on their jeans and top combination are nailing life…

But this is ridiculous. You know nothing about these people – about their lives, their backgrounds, their problems, their anxieties, their connections, their ANYTHING. You’re just letting your emotions be affected by a set of circumstances you in no way understand. By all means, be inspired by the achievements of others, but don’t feel bad because you haven’t got the same list; it’s a total waste of your time.

“But what if you’re comparing yourself to someone you do know?” you cry.

My response is this: no two human beings are the same and therefore the odds of achieving exactly the same things are extremely low. We bring different skills, perspectives, motivations and energy levels to everything that we do so we’re simply not going to live our lives in the same way.

I think it’s human nature to feel envious when we see people doing well in their field – particularly if we’re feeling under confident about our achievements within our own – but it isn’t healthy or helpful to get down about it. Why didn’t you come up with the same idea as them? Well, maybe it’s because you don’t have the expertise or the interest to do so, or, if you do, perhaps you just don’t have the time and space to have got there just yet. It’s not about making excuses – if you want something give it everything you’ve got – but don’t beat yourself up for getting there in your own time. And certainly don’t waste energy being envious of achievements you don’t even aspire to have – you could definitely be putting that to much better use.

If you want to feel more positive, you’re going to have to put the effort in

We aren’t tuned as human beings to focus on the positive aspects of our lives. I recommend reading this article on The Atlantic about how to build a happier brain. It’s all about the fact that, despite the vast level of positive things going on in our lives, we’re naturally wired to focus on the negative. This is because, way back when, we’d need to put real effort into staying alive – to not being eaten by lions or bears or whatever – so it made sense to always focus on the negative because otherwise the negative might kill us. But now, all being well, that isn’t a risk, and the negative aspects of our day are really not so bad and yet we still find reasons to focus on them because it’s the most natural position to take. So if we want to change this, we have to make our brains catch up with how good modern life actually is – to bring in the good thoughts, to make positivity a part of our day, and to gradually rewire our brains.

I know, as if we don’t already have enough to do!

Be honest about how much you really care

One of the most infuriating things about feeling inadequate, is that we can sometimes let ourselves feel it about things we don’t even really care about. You can find out that somebody else has been promoted into a role you really couldn’t bear to do, and still feel terrible because – even though you didn’t want it – you still feel that you’ve failed. You’ve failed by not being ambitious enough, in not pushing for the big title and money. Whereas actually you’ve succeeded – you dodged a position you didn’t want.

Knowing what you don’t want is just as much of an achievement as knowing what you do. It doesn’t feel like it, but it is. This knowledge frees you up to spot things that you would enjoy. Life is just one big whittling down process and you’re now one item further down on the list. Why don’t we go out for drinks to celebrate THAT?

But if you do want it, have you really tried yet?

OK, I’ll go first – NOPE. Not really. There are things that I’m frustrated to have not yet achieved that I have barely even attempted, so how can I justify feeling blue about it? At least try and fail before making time for sulking.

One of my biggest issues is focus: too many plates spinning at one time and not enough time and energy dedicated to getting the perfect turn on just one of them. This is partly down to being indecisive – I want to do everything and ideally immediately – but there’s also some fear, self-doubt, and basic poor time management thrown in for good measure.

These things are all resolvable. Don’t be scared – what’s the worst that can happen? Believe you can do it – because if you don’t, who else will? And just organise yourself better. I’m not going to suggest getting up earlier (although that is of course an option), I think it’s more about how you use the time you have. For me that means less dicking about on Twitter and more productivity.

Be a more informed user of the Internet, watcher of television and reader of magazines

Modern life is all about projection and it’s exhausting. Social media is filled with positive news about people’s jobs and relationships and whatnot and it can feel hard to escape from. I do it – I share things I’ve written because how else am I going to get people to read anything? But if social media were an honest reflection of life attempting to realise your dreams, mine would be a constant stream of updates about rejections I’ve had, ideas I can’t quite work through, and snacks I’ve eaten and regretted. The way we represent ourselves online can never be the whole picture so we have to put the effort into remembering that.

An advert came on for clothes to wear to a Christmas party the other day and I was reminded that every single year around this time I start to feel inadequate about my Christmas social life and wardrobe. Why do I do this?! It’s just advertising! It wants you to feel bad about yourself so that you’ll buy stuff.

The point is we have to make the decision to tune out, to remember that what we’re seeing isn’t the whole truth, and to try and live our lives in the present rather than through a screen. If nothing else, I simply don’t have the cash to live any other way.

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Whether you’re married, or in a relationship, or single and happy, or a huge fan of your job, or blissfully distracted by your hobbies, or just a really kind, generous and funny person, or just great at applying liquid eye liner… you’ve got lots going for you. We just have to learn how to acknowledge it, to identify what else we want, to put plans in place to get there, and to do so without getting distracted by what other people are doing.

I’m not saying it’s easy – I certainly continue to struggle with it – but it is necessary. This is all a question of time and priorities and feeling down because you’re not living somebody else’s life feels like a very bad choice for the top of the list.

On getting older and making CHOICES

15/05/2016 by Charlotte Leave a Comment

When I sit down to write this blog, I rarely know what I’m going to talk about until I start typing.

I tend to perch myself on the edge of the sofa, thus adding an element of drama to proceedings, turn over all the things I’ve been thinking and talking about in my mind, and then start writing about one of them. (I realise you didn’t necessarily ask about my writing process, but I’ve been enjoying the My Writing Day series in the Guardian so much that I just couldn’t help myself).

And today, that process made me realise that the subject of most relevance to me right now is the variety of CHOICES we make as we get older. So here’s some thoughts on that:

When Wednesday rolls around and I have special, dedicated time for doing my freelance writing thing, the whole day is about choice. Who will I pitch to? Which idea is worth pursuing? Will I let myself be distracted by the pile of hand-washing that suddenly looks so appealing now that I’m supposed to be doing work? Or will I chase the dollar and get to 6pm before realising I haven’t breathed an ounce of fresh air (or as fresh as London can offer) since yesterday? So many choices and so little time. I spend hours wondering if I’m making the right decisions, as I’m sure we all do.

On a related note, I’ve come to realise how helpful it is when editors choose to spend a few seconds sending a response to a pitch to let you know that it’s not quite right. Nobody likes to be rejected but it’s still so much more helpful than silence. I can tick them off on my list, move on, and try to do better next time. I know that people are busy – and that lots of editors receive so many emails each day that responding is just not feasible – but when you spend your day seemingly sending emails into the abyss, it’s good to feel acknowledged, and hopefully one step closer to getting it right.

Our time is precious and choosing who we spend it with is a serious decision. Sometimes we choose to fight for more time with a person, and sometimes we decide to step away because, for whatever reason, the relationship just isn’t giving us what we need. My new rule is: if it feels like someone is stealing your time rather than giving you the gift of theirs, it’s time to make a change.

This week I chose to take Facebook off my phone. It was making me feel anxious and stressed and constantly in demand and I didn’t like it. Even though the little red notifications were rarely aimed at me personally, I felt that if I didn’t click right now to see what was going on, I’d be missing out or being disorganised in some way. I haven’t ‘left’ Facebook – chill out – I’ve just left it on my laptop for looking at when I want to, rather than carrying it around in my hand all the time. And I feel a lot better for it.

I like writing on here about my life, the lessons I’ve learnt, the things I find interesting, and I like sharing tips and advice that I can only hope someone will find useful. Whether you write for a living or for fun, you have to make a choice about what you will and won’t share. Whenever I come to this blog, I think through the unwritten policies that decide what I write about. For example, I want you to feel like you know me but not so well that I may as well have hung my laundry around your lounge. I want you to know that I’m human without making myself too vulnerable. I want to talk about my marriage without sharing so much that I somehow bring it to an end. It’s nice to have a place where I make the rules – and where I can choose to break them any time I like.

For the last week or so I’ve been getting up just a little bit earlier than usual to start writing some fiction. I don’t really know how to do that (but does anyone before they try?) so I’ve just been sitting down with a pen and my idea and seeing where it takes me. I do about 20 minutes a day whilst still wearing my pyjamas and with my husband sound asleep upstairs and each session gets me about two or three pages of words. Not words I’d like anyone to read right now, mind – my goodness no – but it’s a start. I realised that if I wanted to try, I needed to choose to find more hours in the day. It turns out they are there if you’re willing to respond to a slightly earlier alarm.

It’s very much acknowledged now that we’re a bit older that we have to build time into our lives to do nothing. To choose to have days when we class ourselves as being busy, but what we mean is that we’ll be busy doing nothing. Looking after ourselves. Managing our mental health. Eating our way through our second bag of Wispa Bites. Whatever. This time is ours. Please don’t come round.

We’re about to go on holiday and I’m choosing – as much as possible – to have an internet free time. I want to look at Florence, not my phone. I want to scroll through lists of gelato flavours, not pictures of other people’s lattes. And I want to talk to my husband face-to-face, rather than typing away about idontevenknowwhat on a device that I’m becoming more and more sure is trying to kill me. I choose to have some time off, and I can’t bloody wait.

How to relax: 4 easy ways to chill the hell out

24/08/2014 by Charlotte Leave a Comment

This weekend I have learnt a new skill: relaxing.

With so many screens to look at and people to see and stuff that constantly needs cleaning, how’s a person supposed to get a minute to themselves in 2014? Well, it turns out that it is possible; you just have to be disciplined. Here’s a four step guide to chilling the hell out:

1. Do one thing at a time
I have always been terrible at this. I can’t even walk down the stairs from my bedroom to the kitchen without treating it like it’s the last time I will ever make the journey. Heaven forbid I should descend without every used glass, load of washing and handbag in my hands in case I never get the opportunity again. Of course I could make a second trip but that would use up my essential letter opening/fridge reorganising/catching up with Coronation Street time – these tasks won’t do themselves, you know! Well, no, but doing one at a time will reduce the chances of tumbling down the stairs and landing on the floor with the entire contents of my bedroom on my head. And doing just one thing at a time is much more enjoyable. Fancy reading a book? Then just do that – don’t read it whilst simultaneously loading the dishwasher, changing the bed and alphebetising your CD collection. Want to spend time on ASOS selecting clothes you don’t need? Do it. But not with 35 other pages open that’ll distract you from the task at hand. (Particularly any online banking sites – your statement can really kill the mood).

2. Don’t feel guilty
The way to do this is to a) realise that whatever else you think you should be doing whilst you’re reading a book/watching a film/purchasing yet another leopard print dress will still be waiting for you when you’re finished and b) enjoy yourself so much that you stop caring about it altogether. I sat and watched Annie Hall last night even though my brain was telling me that I should really be hanging the washing on the line and putting the dishes I used to make my very healthy pasta, sauce and loads-of-cheese dinner in the dishwasher. In the end I didn’t do any of it until the morning (admittedly partly because I fell into a cheese-induced coma on the sofa). Well, la-di-da.

3. Put your phone down
Managing to get 1 and 2 nailed will feel like a major achievement and what do we do when we achieve something these days? We put it on social media. But in this instance we must refrain. If you’re waiting to see how many of your chums ‘like’ the fact that you’re kicking back with a novel and a tube of Pringles, how are you going to concentrate on the plot? And what if they don’t like it? Or you see that everybody on there is actually out drinking mojitos and dancing to (ENTER NAME OF POPULAR MUSIC I HAVEN’T HEARD OF) and you just end up feeling bad about yourself? That won’t be very relaxing, will it? Now I come to think of it, point 3 should really just be ‘Delete Facebook’ and I’m sure we’d all feel a lot better.

4. Don’t wait until you start crying to admit that you need to chill the hell out
Here’s a useful fact to remember: you don’t have to be on holiday to relax. Unfortunately I only realised this when I became so overwhelmed by my self-imposed 10-item domestic task list that I cried. My husband put me on a chair in the garden with a book and a glass of water and told me not to come back in until I had finished both. It shouldn’t have to come to this (also the book was The Fault In Our Stars. If you’ve read it, you’ll know that it only made me cry more but it’s the thought that counts) – it’s important to notice that you need to relax before you become a blubbering wreck.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take my own advice, turn off my computer and pop on another film. Chomping through a Fruit and Nut whilst I do so does technically class as multitasking but I think we can all agree to let this one slide.