self esteem - Nothing good rhymes with Charlotte

How to feel better about the way you dress

12/03/2017 by Charlotte Leave a Comment

I can count on one finger the number of times I’ve walked into an event and been 100% confident that I was wearing the right thing. It was my wedding day so I wore my wedding dress and I stand by that decision.

But the rest of the time, well, I’ve tried. Sometimes I’ve loved my top or my jeans or my ability to fit a vest top underneath anything in case of a draft. And other times, at best I’ve been unsure and at worst I’ve felt like a mess.

It’s only recently that I’ve acknowledged how much our self-esteem can be affected by how we feel about what we wear. I started listening to Dawn O’Porter’s podcast Get It On and it’s made me reassess my approach to clothes.

If you’re not familiar, the podcast is a series of half hour chats between Dawn and guests about how they dress. She’s interviewed lots of excellent people, including Dawn French, Fay Ripley, Chris O’Dowd and Jason Segel. The conversation is always fun – and often really funny – and all about what motivates each person when it comes to getting dressed, what they like and how they feel about clothes.

It really makes you appreciate the world of thoughts and feelings that everybody has about their appearance. I thought other people just fell out of bed and into the perfect outfit but GUESS WHAT it’s a process for everyone. It’s made me much happier about my wardrobe, and reminded me that clothes and deciding how you want to look should be fun.

As ever, a discovery that’s made me feel better is now on here for you to try should you wish to, along with it a list of rules I’m now living by when it comes to my clothes.

1: Remember who’s in charge

Oh hi, that’s you. The odd uniform, dress code, and unavoidable fancy dress party aside, most of the time it’s us who gets to call the shots about what we wear – not magazines, not adverts, and not some social media update about a fashion week with a hashtag you can’t decipher. It’s all up to us and the only rule we should follow is that we should feel good in what we put on. You can even wear red and pink together now and nobody will bat an eyelid, so go nuts.

2: Reserve the right to change your mind

Find me a person who can say they have never regretted an outfit and I will give you the LIAR. I’m from the pedal pusher, skirt-trouser, and Spice Girls-inspired platform trainer era, so if you want to chat about fashion faux-pas just walk this way. But it doesn’t matter, a risk or two won’t do you any harm. You’ve got to go with what you want and what feels right at the time. And worst case scenario, the laughs you’ll have with your children and grandchildren when you look back on photos of your hot pink cropped trousers will be priceless (at least that’s what I’m telling myself).

3: Repeat after me: Bodies change and that’s OK

My hips have expanded loads in the last couple of years – they might as well just write CREATING SPACE IN CASE OF CHILD on my body in stretch marks and be done with it. And other things have changed too – my weight, my skin, my hair – because that’s what it is to be a person who is ageing at the traditional rate. Some things that used to fit no longer do, and other things that used to look wrong now look better. It’s just the way it goes, and as long as we’re happy with our bodies and our health, we just need to roll with how our wardrobe options change with time.

4: Have a regular clear-out

Shopping for clothes used to be my favourite activity; now I prefer having a clear-out and taking a load down to the charity shop. The rule is: if it no longer makes you feel good, it goes. It sounds brutal but it works. And I don’t mean that you then have to replace everything that’s gone, but that you focus more on the items that do bring you joy, vary what you wear them with, and generally build a happier relationship with your wardrobe. Or that when you do buy something new, you do so better informed about the criteria an item needs to meet in order to secure a place on your rail.

5: It’s OK that other people will wear different things

You can waste a lifetime walking into parties, restaurants and offices and feeling like you’re wearing the wrong thing because it’s different from what other people have on. But there’s no right and wrong way to dress. Unless you’ve accidentally shown up without anything on, or you’ve chosen to wear your wedding dress to someone else’s nuptials (I dreamt that I did this and may never recover), you haven’t got it wrong. It’s OK to have your own personality and tastes, and to make your own assessment about how many layers are appropriate for the current climate. Other people’s clothes should reflect what they like and what suits them, they shouldn’t be a source of anxiety for you.

Life advice: Focus on the things you can control

26/02/2017 by Charlotte 6 Comments

All of a sudden we’re a pair of Londoners who own a car. It’s been a while since I was behind the wheel so I’ve been a little nervous. Partly because this is London and people here aren’t exactly known for their patience, and partly because I’m in my thirties now and a lot more aware of the vast array of things that could kill me than I was when I was younger.

But I read something this week that’s helping me build my confidence – in the car and elsewhere.

My brother bought me Derren Brown’s book ‘Happy’ for Christmas. (That I have been to see DB several times and am a huge fan of his always comes as a surprise to people, so SURPRISE, I love a good mind game). The book’s about how we can reframe the way we think in order to feel happier. I’m already pretty content, but I also spend a disproportionate amount of time worrying about what people think and the range of ways in which I’m failing, so I’ll take any help I can get.

It was this part that made me stop in my tracks and which I’ve found myself referring to ever since. Two lists – the things we can control, and the things we can’t:

It’s obvious when you see it written down, and yet so easy to forget when you’re busy or stressed or running low on self-esteem. He also suggests saying to yourself “It’s fine” when somebody does something that you don’t like but can’t change, to stop you from dwelling on the wrong things. (This obviously doesn’t apply in the face of crime/injustice; it’s for more small-scale, day to day irritations.)

When you realise what’s within your control, life becomes easier to handle. You can control what you say, but you can’t control how people respond. You can tell what you believe to be the funniest joke you’ve ever come up with, but you can’t control whether anybody will laugh at it, or if doing so will make them like you (heartbreaking, I know). You can be a super polite person who says please and thank you and excuse me may I sit down on that chair currently occupied by your bag? But you can’t stop people sighing like their possessions are more deserving of a seat than you are. You can only ever be you.

The more you adopt this way of thinking, the more you find yourself at each moment of the day spotting the things that you can and can’t do anything about. A bus driver flashed his lights to let me pull out of my driveway today, but when I was about to set off I saw that the bus was still moving so I stopped. The driver mouthed “GO ON THEN” and did a little angry-looking wave. I felt like a dickhead for a second until I remembered – I made a decision based on what I thought. How he responded was up to him. Previously I’d have gone over and over this but now I feel better equipped to prioritise what I should worry about. Make all the facial expressions you like, my friend, my judgment is all I’ve got.

You also can’t control the state that you find somebody in in any given situation – nor can you be expected to somehow know everything about them in advance. Their past, their fears, whether they’re hungry or tired or sad, if they’ve got a cold or a headache or a nasty itch on their back that just won’t go away. All you can do is try to be nice and fair and perhaps guide them to the nearest tree to use as a scratching device. Every time I remember that the way people behave ALWAYS has a billion times more to do with them than it does me, I feel a lot calmer.

When you’re reading a book you think you’ll remember every part forever, but then you move on to the next one and the next one and the memory starts to fade. So I’ve written this down to make sure I don’t forget, and because sharing bits of advice I’ve picked up about how to feel more confident has become a big part of what this blog is about, and I like that.

I hope you find this useful, but, of course, how you respond is very much up to you.

You’re not the girl you think you are

05/02/2017 by Charlotte 8 Comments

You’re not the girl who eats too many crisps. You’re the girl who likes to see potatoes put to good use.

You’re not the girl who couldn’t get a boyfriend until she was 20. You’re the girl who was biding her time.

You’re not the girl who should be ashamed of every rejection in her inbox. You’re the girl who was brave enough to try.

You’re not the girl whose use of social media is tedious and lame. You’re the girl whose use of social media is just as tedious and lame as everybody else’s.

You’re not the girl who’s too old to be afraid of the dark. You’re the girl who’s wise to prefer a world she can see.

You’re not the girl who once tripped over her clothes, fell face-first into a wall and never got over it. You’re the girl who learnt the hard way that long skirts are more dangerous than they appear.

You’re not the girl with the freaky double-jointed elbows. You’re the girl with a built-in party trick.

You’re not the girl who needs the toilet every 30 minutes. You’re the girl who can sometimes wait for 35.

You’re not the girl who cries too much in good times and bad. You’re the girl whose eyes overflow when she cares.

You’re not the girl who got sick on a night out and ruined everybody’s fun. You’re just the girl who got sick one time. It happens.

You’re not the girl who has eight marshmallows with her hot chocolate. You’re the girl who has nine because YOLO.

You’re not the girl who never stops making stupid jokes. You’re the girl whose comedy has niche appeal.

You’re not the girl who shouldn’t admit to listening to Westlife on a Sunday night. You’re the girl who knows a good key change when she hears one.

You’re not the girl who gives too much advice. You’re the girl who’s trying to help.

You’re not the girl who wears too much mascara. You’re the girl whose mum has said “Charlotte, are you unwell or have you just not put any make-up on yet?” enough times to know what she needs.

You’re not the girl who’s forever got her eye on the door. You’re the girl who just needs to know she can always go home if she wants to.

You’re not the girl who wasted Saturday night watching TV and eating Pringles. You’re the girl who’s finally learnt to have a rest when she needs it.

You’re not the girl who shares too many anecdotes about her baby nephew. You’re the girl who’s allowed to be proud.

You’re not the girl who owns too many grey t-shirts and notebooks. You’re the girl who knows that’s simply not possible.

You’re not the girl who lets her past dictate her future. You’re the girl who gets to start a new story every day.

You’re not the girl you think you are. You’re a woman who’s doing just fine.

Aim for 2017: Acceptance

02/01/2017 by Charlotte Leave a Comment

New Year's resolution: Acceptance Pretty much every barrier to contentment I face comes up because I haven’t yet finished accepting who I am, how human beings work, and how life goes down.

So this year, instead of setting New Year’s resolutions to go running at 5am, to give up sweets, or to learn how to re-wire a lamp (no thank you, yeah right and, re-what, now?), I’m going to dedicate my energy to accepting some truths:

That I’m always going to shop high street. So many people who wear vintage clothes look fantastic, chic and cool. But rather than just thinking that, I’ve been wasting energy chastising myself for continuing to purchase clothes from shops every Charlotte, Jemima and Louise can access. But then I realised – this is how I like to dress, and every time I walk into a vintage shop I feel like I do in a hardware store – I know that there is potential in here, but I just don’t have the skills or the vision to make it work for me. And that’s OK.

That my achievements are my achievements and your achievements are your achievements. I wrote a list of the reasons I haven’t yet done all of the things I’d like to do with my life recently, just to make my brain SHUT UP and stop making me feel like a failure. And the main one is this: Because I’ve been busy achieving other things, all of which I stand by. Your brain is so good at telling you what you haven’t done and terrible at acknowledging what you have. So I want to accept this and try to beat it at its own game. We each live different lives and it’s pointless to compare. It’s a much better use of time to be pleased with the life you have, to understand why it is how it is, and to focus on where you’re off to next.

That we’re just not minimalist people. I’m a huge fan of a clear-out and my favourite correspondence of all is a note from the British Heart Foundation to tell me how much my donations have raised. But I can’t give all our stuff away. I like to own books, lots of books. And clothes. And shoes. And old diaries with lists I might just need to refer to. And CDs because I still haven’t let go. My house is like my brain – busy, cluttered, covered in notes and so full of memories it’s ready to burst – and I’m alright with that.

That crisps are delicious and I like to eat them. I’m not going to try and kid anyone and say that I’m giving up treats. The way I feel when I see that Pringles are on offer for £1 a tube is probably similar to the way a football fan feels when Idontcare United does a goal or whatever – very excited indeed. So I’m not going to deprive myself entirely of this joy, I’ll just try and have a weekends-only rule, or something extremely self-restrained like that.

That conversations about money have to happen. One of the hardest parts of freelancing is the bit where you need to talk about cash. I’ve got better at it – I do it and I’m broadly happy with how it goes – but every part of me tenses when the conversation begins. I think it’s part human nature and part fear of being found out, which is weird because what are they going to find out? That I need to eat? HEAVEN FORBID. This is just a part of the process and I shouldn’t just accept it but welcome it. We all deserve to be paid for our work. And anyway, how else will I pay for those crisps?

That there are worse obsessions than the one I have with notebooks. Nothing brings me hope like a brand new pad. All that potential on those blank sheets – Will I write the next Bridget Jones? The next Hey Jude? The next How To Figure Out If Your Man Secretly Finds Your Laugh Irritating women’s magazine quiz? Paper is for me what drugs and alcohol and large televisions are for other people, except cheaper and much more civilised. We mustn’t beat ourselves up for having something harmless in our lives that we enjoy. Ok, my office might look like a stationery shop’s storage room, but who wouldn’t want to hang out in one of those?

That there will never be enough time. Age is realising that there is nothing you can do to stop time slipping away from you. It’s sitting with your family or friends and feeling the day being pulled out from under you before it’s even begun. Fighting it won’t do you any good – all you can do is try to dedicate the time you have to the people and opportunities that matter most. I want to use my time more efficiently – who doesn’t – but I also want to accept the decisions I make about how I use it. Regretting what you did with one day will only eat into the time you have on another, so that’s a stage we can afford to lose.

That you have to do things that scare you. Fancy being on telly? My friend, you’re going to have to stand in front of strangers and do some acting. Want to write for a magazine? Well, then you’re going to need to email the editor some ideas, probably be knocked back and then send some more. Scary, yes, but maybe also the one step between you and something worth a little perspiration. I have come to the conclusion that if I’m not scared or at least a little nervous about something, it’s generally because I don’t care about it, in which case, why am I doing it in the first place?

That most of the time I’ll never find out what you think anyway. It’s amazing that we invest so much time in worrying about feedback we’ll probably never receive. As much as I may worry that you thought I was a moron over dinner, that my eye make-up was poorly applied, or that my jokes were badly thought through, do I really think you’d say that to me? And if you did, a) Would we really be friends? and b) Wouldn’t I have the right to disagree? I worry about people thinking my writing is bad or silly or pointless, but I still continue to do it, which means I must believe in it. Happiness requires you to back yourself – to have faith that you are a good person and that you’re trying your best – in social situations, in your work, and in your application of eyeliner. And if not everybody likes it, that’s because people are different, which is healthy.

That life is not linear. One of the hardest things to get your head around is that there is no end point at which you’re handed a certificate for having done all of the things on your to-do list. Your life isn’t all set out in a line so that you can walk along it, ticking off your achievements on a clipboard. It’s much more interesting than that. I know this, I really do, I just forget it sometimes because I really like writing lists and crossing things off. So this year I want to remember how important it is to give yourself permission to stay open to what comes up, to change your mind, and to do what feels right for you.

That you can’t change people. Not the man on the tube who thinks he can sit with his legs spread so wide that they require their own carriage. Not the woman who doesn’t know to keep her questions about the film to herself until she leaves the cinema. And not the guy on the table opposite whose mother forgot to say EAT WITH YOUR MOUTH SHUT, YOU ANIMAL as frequently as mine did. More importantly, you also can’t change your friends, your family, or your spouse into different people. You can tell them if they’re upsetting you, but, after that, it’s up to them. All you can do is focus on being the kind of person you want to be.

I’ll be me and you be you and the rest of the year will take care of itself, I’m sure of it.

Happy New Year, friends.

Less talk, more action

26/07/2015 by Charlotte 4 Comments

You know how every now and then you read a thing that has such a profound effect on you that you decide to change the way that you are living your life as a result of it? Well, yesterday that thing for me was this piece on The Atlantic about The Confidence Gap between men and women.

I mean, we all know it’s a thing – that there’s a big difference in the way society makes us think and feel about how confident we should be about our potential, opportunities and right to success – but I had never really acknowledged the impact it was having on my life, and that if I’m going to get anywhere then I need to change it.

The piece was published back in May 2014 and I just happened to stumble upon it via Twitter yesterday. (You see, if you d*ck around on there enough, you will find the most incredibly useful things. Also cats, lots of funny videos of cats).

In short, it’s about all the different elements of our upbringing, and the ways we’re taught to perceive ourselves and others that affect each sex’s approach to applying for jobs, seeking out promotions, taking risks and following our dreams. And, most importantly, it’s about how, to truly get on, confidence is often much more important than competence. Yep, that way around. It jars a bit when you read it, doesn’t it, but I now believe it to be true. Believing in yourself and getting other people to do the same, is the very best thing you can do for your life, your career and your all-round success, and this is something which – as this article says – men are much better at doing than women. And the impact of that is huge.

Because what happens when you don’t have enough confidence to give something a try? NOTHING. Nothing at all. You might have all the intention and the want and enough of the skill to do a thing, but none of the confidence to actually make it happen so therefore it just won’t.

There are, of course, many, many people who buck the trend and there needs to be more of them – women who feel the fear and do it anyway, and who know that they are just as good and just as capable and just as deserving of opportunities as anybody else.

After reading this I realised just how much my own crippling fear was holding me back. A fear of rejection, of failure and, sometimes, just of speaking up and saying what I want in case it doesn’t work out. But how are you going to get it if you can’t even say it? Is that not just step one?

So thanks to this feature, I intend to make a change. If only I’d read it sooner. Less talk and more action (ok, fine, I will probably still talk a lot – I LOVE a good chat), and more just giving it a go instead of holding all my ideas close, waiting for someone to come round to my house and ask me to share them with the world, because I just don’t think that is going to happen (and anyway I live in London, I don’t answer my front door unless I’ve recently ordered a takeaway).

If you haven’t done so already, I very much encourage you to read the whole piece. If you see yourself here then why not join me in making a change, and if you don’t, please tell me how you’ve managed that. I’d genuinely love to know.

Thank goodness for the internet and it’s marvellous power to change the way we think with just one article. High on my list of aims is to one day write a thing that has that exact same effect. There, I admitted it. And now that I’ve said it, I’d better get on and do it.

Where does your confidence come from?

18/01/2015 by Charlotte 3 Comments

So much of our confidence is informed by evidence.

Every success, failure, romance, heartbreak, deliciously baked cake and inexplicably burnt fish finger contributes to our perception of our right to be deemed a worthwhile human being.

But we’re an unreliable witness to our own lives. It’s very hard for us to see the bigger picture – that, actually, on balance, we’re doing alright. OK, we’re not nailing it in the removing-a-cake-from-the-tin-without-it-breaking-in-two department, and our sewing skills leave a lot to be desired, but we have friends and they don’t care. A cake is still a cake, and they would very much like to eat it.

Our confidence is boosted and knocked down relentlessly – though often unintentionally – by all the people we interact with – friends, family, colleagues, that lady at the station who sometimes says she likes my hair and sometimes doesn’t. On a daily basis we can leap from thinking we’re the coolest kid on the block to the world’s biggest moron as many times as we go to the bathroom (which in my case is quite a lot. It’s important to keep hydrated).

What we need more than evidence is belief; belief in ourselves as people that are worthy of good things – of kind treatment, nice times, and a second chance at proving that we can remember to grease the cake tin first. We need that base level of confidence so that if somebody does question our choice of jeans or job or fails to laugh at our joke in which we hilariously replaced the word ‘awkward’ with ‘orchid’, we know we’re still alright. It needn’t shake us too hard.

Being in a relationship can do wonders for your confidence. Regardless of the story you told them almost knocking yourself out on the way to a McFly concert because you were just SO. EXCITED, or using an aerosol can instead of a hammer to construct a bedside table, they think you’re interesting enough to sometimes justify turning off the X-Box mid-game. And that feels good (though discovering that there’s actually just been a power cut feels less good).

But the risk is that, if you’d not yet managed to come to the conclusion by yourself that you were a worthwhile human being before they came along and told you so, you might forget to make sure you actually believe it. You might let yourself think that it’s that person who justifies you, instead of you.

Having somebody who loves you gives you some marvellous evidence to add to the case for your confidence – I recommend that you pin it to the wall and point at it daily. And you each have a huge role to play in giving the other a much needed boost every now and then (as discussed last week in my chat about the importance of pep talks), but for that to stick, you’ve got to have your own firm layer of confidence to start from. Otherwise, what are you going to do when they’re out? Or when you socialise without them? Or when you’re telling your orchid joke for the fifteenth time and people are STILL not laughing?

Oh yes, be buoyed, be supported, be delighted by their belief in you – hell, have a bloody massive grin about it for it is the greatest thing – but be sure to make time to take a strong dose of it for yourself too.

Because otherwise, in a fight between you and a broken cake or a burnt fish finger, it’s going to be them that wins. And we both know that you deserve better than that.