relationship advice

Love your imperfections and someone else will love them too

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Sponsored post for Match.com

IMG_7499Years ago a man I liked took one look at my double jointed elbows and ran away because they made him feel sick.

I wasn’t expecting that, and clearly neither was he.

Both my arms bend further than your average limb – ‘hyperextension’ is the formal term, for the scientists amongst you. It actually means I’m extra flexible which is pretty cool and useful should you happen to drop your keys or wallet down the back of a radiator, but this guy clearly hadn’t done his research.

But never mind, it clearly wasn’t meant to be. Me and my bendy arms are very much a package deal and if you don’t like them, I’m going to have to leave you to retrieve your lost belongings by yourself.

But I must admit this little episode did make me a bit nervous. There’s already enough to consider when you’re trying to meet somebody – the cleanliness of your hair, the smoothness of your skin, the careful planning involved with arriving precisely on time for a date so as not to look too eager or aloof…

You can’t be worrying about what people are going to think of all the little quirks and imperfections that make up who you are as well. They’re just part of the deal, and the right person will like them. I mean, they’ll have to, you can’t change into somebody else.

Without quirks we’d all be super dull. I cry when I laugh – and I don’t mean just a few tears, I mean like I’ve just been told that my guinea pig has died – but I wouldn’t change it. Sure, I’ve had to spend a disproportionate amount of money on tissues and mascara over the years but it’s my thing. And at least you know when I like your jokes.

You have to be comfortable with who you are and to enter into relationships as the real you – and to find somebody who wants you to do just that.

I showed my husband my funny elbows on our very first date. A bit forward, I know, but I decided we should put our vomit-inducing cards on the table early doors to save wasting anybody’s time.

He didn’t care at all. He laughed and held out his hand. It turns out one of his fingers bends the wrong way at the joint. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy.

Relationships aren’t about meeting somebody perfect, they’re about meeting somebody perfect for you. No matter how many traits and idiosyncrasies you bring to the party, the other person will have just as many. Sure, there might need to be a bit of compromising down the line if your imperfections include a penchant for depositing dirty socks around the house, or finishing your wife’s favourite ice cream and leaving the empty container in the freezer (just a couple of completely random examples I happened to think up…) but there’s plenty of time for that.

For now it’s about being proudly and unashamedly you. In my experience, anyone who wants you to be anything else simply isn’t worth the chase.

Love your imperfections and find someone else who loves them too with Match.com

For more dating and relationship tips, visit Match’s advice site.

Want your relationship to last? Be nice to each other

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Sometimes I have the audacity to use this blog to offer advice.

The words of wisdom I have to offer today sound so obvious that I might as well accompany this with a post about how you shouldn’t wake a sleeping baby, touch a lit hob, or suggest that perhaps an England rugby fan is ready to laugh about the team’s World Cup performance (WARNING: they’re definitely not).

But the number of times I find myself discussing this issue makes me think that maybe it isn’t, so here it is written down just in case.

This week marked ten years since my husband and I boarded the now decade long party bus that is our relationship. (I considered writing something here about the petrol being our love, the steering wheel being our hearts, and the GPS system being our forever-entwined souls but I decided against it in case it wouldn’t be immediately obvious that I was being ironic. Thank goodness we dodged that embarrassment, eh guys.)

And I realised that above all else, the most useful thing this time has taught me is how important it is to be nice to each other. That at your core, sitting quietly below the surface of your relationship, holding you together like roots under a tree, foundations below a house, or a good pair of pants beneath a very close fitting dress, needs to be a solid layer of kindness. Because without it, it’s just a matter of time before the whole thing unravels – and everybody catches an eyeful of your wobbly bits.

I think that part of the reason why this blindingly obvious statement needs to be made is because of how incredibly easy it is not to be nice – to let exhaustion turn you into a short-tempered, unreasonable fool; to let domestic gripes cast a shadow over your weekend, to think that just because somebody sleeps with their head next yours it means that they can read your mind…

So we have to put the effort in.

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I know that any time we’ve had a run in, it’s because one of us hasn’t been nice to the other person. We’ve forgotten to think about how something might make them feel, or what sort of state they’re coming to a conversation in. Or, as is too frequently the case for me, I’ve failed to just keep my mouth shut, go to bed, and realise I’m not actually angry at all, I’m just tired and feel like having a strop. (Because guess what, Charlotte, that isn’t a good enough reason).

We all have to learn what it really means to be a nice person to be in a relationship with. I don’t see how anybody could nail it straight away (unless you really are a mind reader, in which case, you must be awesome at it). You just have to care enough to try, and to put the energy into getting it right. Otherwise, you might as well just pack up, go home, and stop wasting everybody’s time.

Despite having the gall to write this down and publish it on the internet, I do not consider myself to be any kind of expert in this area; I just thought that what I’ve learnt might just come in handy for somebody else:

That life is better when you stop and think about how nice you’re really being – rather than just powering ahead and behaving badly.

That behind every good relationship is a constant stream of feedback (sexy stuff, I know).

That loving someone means wanting them to be happy, and that being kind to them is Step One.

And that no matter how long you’ve been together, or how old you are, it never hurts to be reminded to try not to be a dick.  

5 signs that the spark has not gone from your relationship

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20150609_203255This piece was originally published on The Huffington Post.

1. You resist the temptation to send each other passive aggressive messages
When you get home, ready to make a complex spaghetti bolognese, featuring pancetta, mince, carrots and celery (yes, celery. Nigel Slater knows what he’s talking about) and you discover that the pancetta has gone from the fridge, you resist the urge to send a message to your other half to ask “Have you eaten the last of the pancetta?!” because a) If you start sending messages like that, where will it end? Will you start sending emails saying ‘What do we do when we finish a toilet roll? WE REPLACE IT’ or leaving hand written limericks on the fridge that read: ‘There once was a man from THIS FLAT, who ate the last Muller Crunch Corner and I’m really quite ANGRY ABOUT THAT’ (I didn’t say it would be a good limerick)? You really don’t want to be that guy. And b) because if you didn’t eat it then clearly the answer to that question is yes. 

2. You struggle to throw away dating mementos
You’re rooting through your bag of an evening commute, searching for a tissue like the 29-going-on-79-year-old that you are, and you stumble across the cinema ticket from the night the pair of you went to see Still Alice (and now you realise why you’re struggling to find a tissue – you used up every last one whilst watching that). And in the interests of a tidy handbag and minimal cries of “OH FOR GOODNESS SAKE, WHY CAN I NEVER FIND MY KEYS IN HERE?! THIS BAG IS LIKE A RABBIT WARREN FILLED WITH OLD PAPER!” then it should go in the bin. But you pause because that was a particularly nice evening. You wore something leopard print, as you do when you’re making a real effort, he was forced to admit upon tasting your main course that it was indeed spicy enough to be deemed a real curry, and not just a ‘bowl of meat and creamy sauce’ like he’d assumed, and the film was outstanding. Nights like that don’t come around every day of the week and you find it hard to put any evidence of it in the bin, even if it does make your handbag unmanageable.

3. Sometimes, for a treat, you sit on the same sofa
When you first start dating, not only do you insist on always sitting on the same chair, you will sit as much of yourself on top of the other person as you can. But then time starts to pass and with that comes the realisation that, actually, the most comfortable way to sit is alone, and with as much room to stretch out as possible. But sometimes, perhaps if it’s somebody’s birthday or a bank holiday weekend, or you’ve got a particularly good box of chocolates that you definitely want get your whole half of; you’ll sit together on the same settee. And it’ll feel like a lovely, if slightly cramped, treat.

4. If they send you a text message, you don’t delete it 
…not that you ever did, of course, it’s just that these days, with all the other ways in which friends and family can get in touch, text messages are generally only ever received from PPI compensation people, or companies who are absolutely determined to give you £2,000 for a car accident you haven’t had (you’d remember something like that, wouldn’t you?) So if you do get one from your other half, it’s extra exciting. Perhaps they’ll ask what you’d like for your tea, or send words of encouragement to help you through a particularly trying day, or maybe they’re writing to compliment you on your excellent choice of attire, regretting that they were so caught up with trying to locate their wallet/tie/other sock this morning to say so. Either way, you’re very pleased to hear from them.

5. Every now and then you wear proper clothes at home
The greatest thing about a night at home is the opportunity to spend it wearing the cosiest items of clothing you can get your hands on. It may not be the kind of attire you’d wear to a pub (unless your toilet broke in the middle of the night and you were left with no other choice than to go there) but you don’t care because you’re just so comfortable. You’ve both got your own set, and wow do you each feel smug when you’re wearing them. But sometimes, when an occasion calls for it, you’ll both pop on an outfit you’d be happy to be seen in outside, if only to remind each other that you do indeed own clothes that don’t include an elasticated waist.

Don’t look too keen: Why dating rules were made to be broken

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Dating rules can be ridiculous.

Leave at least an hour between text messages.
Don’t accidentally point at wedding dresses whilst you’re out together.
Don’t do too much smiling in case they think you’re a psychopath.

Urgh, I’m glad to be out of it.

The rule I always struggled the most with was ‘Don’t look too keen’.

Now, this is not because I’m a crazy person with a body secretly tattooed with the name of every man I’ve ever admired (I’m afraid of needles, thanks very much) but because this rule is actually unfinished. What it should say is: ‘Don’t look too keen unless you’re ABSOLUTELY 100% SURE that they are equally keen on you in which case, do what you like’.

The game goes something like this.

  • Meet someone you like.
  • Appear interested but nonchalant, like a Coronation Street viewer passing the time with an episode of Eastenders. You’re here, you’re looking, but you’ve just got so much else going on.
  • Commence dating. Brush your hair and clean your teeth but don’t let them think it was all for them. There’s a good chance you’d have done that today anyway.
  • Begin to incorporate occasional smiling and physical contact into dates. Maybe even laugh at their jokes but don’t play with your hair. It’ll totally give the game away.
  • Undertake mind reading exercises/ask a couple of their mates if they’ve mentioned you, to confirm that they definitely do like you precisely as much as you like them.
  • Say something encouraging like “You’re nice” or “Those jeans fit you well around the waist” to let them know that actually, yes, you are interested too.
  • Enter balanced, game free relationship. Reply to their text messages when you want and perhaps even answer the phone when they ring you (unless Corrie’s on, obviously).
  • Get married. State just how keen you are in front of everybody you know.
  • Schedule regular occasions on which to demonstrate your deep felt keenness throughout the year, such as anniversaries, birthdays and Pancake Day.
  • Specifically do not appear keen on anybody else at all for the rest of your life, with the following permitted exceptions: David Beckham, Leonard DiCaprio (Romeo and Juliet era preferred) and anybody offering free chocolates, as long as you make sure you get enough free samples for both of you.

It’s an exhausting business. But here’s a thing nobody tells you. That isn’t really the end of it.

If you’re somebody who has worked tirelessly for years to ensure you’re always on the right side of the keenness tracks, taking occasional breaks to kick yourself hard in the shin for accidentally misreading a high-five as a marriage proposal, your guard never quite goes down.

Dating rules were meant to be brokenI think it’s because dating teaches us to be so cautious that when we do let ourselves relax, an alarm bell rings inside our heads and says WOAH WOAH WOAH YOU’RE VULNERABLE! QUICK, DELETE HIS NUMBER AND START PRONOUNCING HIS NAME INCORRECTLY! YOU NEED TO WIN BACK SOME POWER!

It can come up out of the blue. You can be asking an innocent question about the weekend ahead and your options for mutual socialising, and all of a sudden you’re feeling the need to clarify that you were just wondering what they were up to and you don’t even want to hang out with them anyway, and you have so many other options on the table you can hardly wade through them, whilst they look on, baffled.

It can be difficult to shake the dating game off. Of course some elements apply forever – it’s nice to listen to what people have to say instead of just saying “Uhuh” every ten seconds and continuing to look at Twitter, and washing is always a positive activity, but once you’re in a relationship it’s nice just to have a bit of trust and stop all this fannying about it.

The dating game is just that – a game. Sometimes you win – and by win I mean you meet somebody you like and who likes you and that you enjoy spending time together for an appropriate length of time (whether that be forever, or until you realise that you just can’t get past your differing opinions on who made a better Batman), and sometimes you lose, by which I mean that it leaves you wondering whether you should just marry your cat and be done with it.

But when it does work out, you have to just throw the rule book out and admit that you do indeed like another human being. Relationships do make you vulnerable because you can’t enter into one without admitting that actually you are rather keen. Queen Keen of Keen Town, actually, and you don’t care who knows it.

All you can do is try and find yourself in a situation where everybody is as keen as each other so that that never feels like a bad thing. With somebody who also believes that eight is the optimum number of kisses to include at the end of a text message, and who feels just as strongly about the apostrophe as you do, and who agrees that, yes, Pancake Day really is the greatest day of the year.

Why you shouldn’t wait until Valentine’s Day to say nice things to each other

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Despite promoting many causes I support, such as flowers and greetings cards and heavy consumption of marshmallows cut into heart shapes, I’m not a massive fan of the big 14/02. I like my love a bit more subtle, a lot less red, and in no way communal.

It’s harmless of course, but also pretty unnecessary. For those without a significant other who would like their situation to be different, it’s just a big pink helium filled reminder that it isn’t. And for those in relationships, it means forced entry into the annual Who’s More Romantic Than Who competition with the winning prize being nothing more than a few likes on Facebook and a credit card bill the size of Rome.

I have written before about how much I rate anniversaries because of the multiple excuses they give you to tell people that you like/love/can tolerate them happily for bi-annual dinner dates, and I stand by that heartfelt sentiment.

But what’s important is that what you hear from your beloved on these ‘special occasions’ is in keeping with the tone of the rest of your lives. In my opinion, you should apply the same rules to Valentine’s Day, and all its relatives, as you do to work-based appraisals – by which I mean that there shouldn’t be any surprises (with the following obvious gift related exceptions: mini-breaks, puppies, food and booze goods and spa related relaxery. It’s a word.)

What you hear on Valentine’s Day or any similar festival should be merely the highlights of a year filled with niceness, perhaps just said over champagne or whilst wearing something velour. Don’t wait for Clinton’s Cards to announce that it’s Official Romance Day to tell your girlfriend that you’re mighty glad you met her, or to mention to your husband that despite his apparent inability to replace an empty toilet roll, you think he’s the best person in the world. Say it now – right now – it’s always a good time to hear that.

IMG_20150208_113306-1024x1024In my opinion, life and love are both just too damn short for fannying about. If you’re holding out for a big marketing occasion to unveil that – SURPRISE – you are capable of expressing your feelings, then I can’t help but feel that you’re doing it wrong. It’s also just not a cost effective way to do romance. If you need to be in the presence of champagne and oysters every time you say ‘I love you’ then you’re going to need to take a long hard look at your finances before signing up to anything long term.

If you just see Valentine’s Day as the perfect excuse to say the kind of lovely things you say every day in a slightly different font or with a velvet coated box of chocolates then why not, treat yourself. But if you’re holding out for Interflora to let you know that it’s the right moment to start letting your other half know that you care about them then let me save you some time – every moment is the right moment to do that, whether you’re standing in a heart shaped arch made of balloons or waiting for a bus in the rain.

Because the latter will probably happen more often, so why not put that time to good use.

Relationships: 36 questions to help prevent arguments

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IMG_20150201_150143-1024x1024Ever since the 36 questions to make you ‘fall in love with anyone‘ were published, it seems like every person on the internet has had their own go at writing what they think should be on the list.

And as much as I’d like to do the same, I’m not really qualified to help other people fall in love (unless you specifically want to fall in love with either chocolate covered raisins or Popchips, in which case, I am your woman).

But as somebody who never likes to be left out, I have written a list of my own, albeit a slightly more trivial one. These questions may not make you fall in love, but they might just save you a few arguments when you get further down the line. Here are 36 questions to ask each other during that marvellous early stage of a relationship to help make sure you’re actually going to get along in the long term. You’re welcome, friends.

1. In your opinion, is it OK for somebody to leave traces of toast crumbs in a tub of butter?

2. On a scale of 1 to packing your bags and moving out, how angry does changing the bed make you?

3. If you use up the last of a toilet roll, whose job is it replace it?

4. Harry Potter vs. Lord of the Rings – how enraged does that statement make you?

5. Do you respect coasters?

6. Towels smell better when they have been left in a wet pile on the floor than when hung up nicely on a drying rack – TRUE OR FALSE?

7. If I were to wear extremely comfortable clothes around the house, would you immediately stop finding me sexually attractive or simply admire my enjoyment of lounging?

8. When drunk, how amusing do you think it is to go home, make yourself a sandwich and leave grated cheese absolutely everywhere?

9. Related: if I was already asleep when you came home from a night out, do you think I would like it if you turned on the bedroom light?

10. Do you consider openness to skiing holidays to be a deal breaker?

11. If I were to leave my clothes anywhere in the house except in a drawer/cupboard, in the laundry basket or on my person, how would you react?

12. Are you available at short notice to offer life-affirming pep talks?

13. How much value do you place on hugging, cuddling and other snuggle-based activities?

14. Public displays of affection – embarrassing and out of the question, or romantic and a cost-effective way to stay warm?

15. What would your response be if I were to share amusing anecdotes from our life on social media?

16. What level of conversation do you think it’s reasonable to have in a cinema?

17. How well do you respond to feedback about your domestic abilities, such as your dishwasher loading, clothes folding and bin emptying skills?

18. Do you think there should be a limit placed on the number of leisure baths a person has per week?

19. Are there any specific times of year when, due to a love of sport, you are entirely unavailable for social activities?

20. Dancing’s fun – isn’t it?

21. If I’m trying to say something to you but failing to find the right words, how hard will you try to work out what I mean?

22. How would you describe your relationship with confectionery? a) Healthy. That word was so unfamiliar to me that I had to google it. b) Moderate. Who doesn’t like a little hot chocolate of a winter’s night? or c) Problematic. My bloodstream is now just one big strawberry lace.

23. How many episodes of the same soap opera do you think you could tolerate in a week?

24. How much excitement does the word SALE cause you?

25. What about: VALENTINE’S DAY?

26. What is your attitude to greetings cards?

27. Watching repeats of Friends every day for the rest of your life – a quirky habit or an unthinkable way to spend your life?

28. At approximately what time would you expect a ‘late’ night out to end?

29. How would the sight of somebody wearing shoes on your lounge carpet make you feel?

30. Pranks – funny things to watch on TV or something you actually like to do to humans you’re supposed to love?

31. Do you know where your house keys are right now? How frequently is the answer to that question ‘no’?

32. How necessary do you consider closing the door whilst using the toilet to be?

33. What are you most afraid of? (Watch out for key words, such as ‘commitment’, ‘meeting other people’s parents’ and ‘you’).

34. Do you understand what ‘hand-wash only’ means?

35. How about ‘remove film lid BEFORE putting in microwave’?

36. Do you think it’d be wise for us to see other people?

Relationships: Why it’s OK to admit that you don’t like saying goodbye

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IMG_20141029_231750-1-783x1024My husband went away this week and I must admit that I was relieved when he’d gone.

And as much as I’d love to be writing a post about that being because I was glad to have the house to myself, that I got a week off picking pants and socks off the floor, and that I spent the entire time listening to Magic FM, watching Coronation Street and surviving on a diet of crunchy peanut butter, hot chocolate and marshmallows, I’m afraid that’s not what’s on the cards (although, for the record, I did enjoy all of that very much).

No, it’s because I hate saying goodbye. In fact, it makes me feel sick.

I’ve always been the same and not just with him. When I’m with my family at Christmas and we all eventually have to go our separate ways, when my best friend comes to stay and then she has to leave to go back to a whole different city, and when sport takes over ITV and makes me miss out on my favourite soap. I really don’t like separation.

Absence does make the heart grow fonder, which doesn’t do anybody any harm, but it also makes us vulnerable. It makes us admit that we miss people, that we wish we could be with them more, and that we have to be able to fend for ourselves without them (which, after having assessed my food choices, you’re probably questioning whether I’m capable of doing).

You think you’re done with being vulnerable when the early stages of a relationship are out of the way. You’ve been through the awkward parts, the nervous parts, the parts where you tell an anecdote about your brother finding you so annoying that he pushed a warm poached egg into your face and wonder whether they’re ever going to call again. And then you settle into it and though you obviously have to keep making an effort, you’re not afraid any more, you know where you stand (which, in my case, is absolutely nowhere near a cooked breakfast).

But then when one of you goes away, all your vulnerabilities come to pay you a visit. You stop caring so much about how terrible they are at turning the lights off in rooms they’re no longer in (like, SO terrible), and how much better life would be if they could please remember to take one of your Bags for Life with them to Tesco instead of relentlessly bringing extra plastic ones home (AM I RIGHT, LADIES) and you just hope very much that they will come home safely and carry on their life with you. It gives you a little perspective.

I have written a lot before about how important it is to have time apart and I stand by that – it’s very good for your collective health – but the bit when one of you actually has to leave is still hard. It suddenly makes you realise that the two of you are a little unit and that when one of you goes away, that unit becomes a little lop-sided. Of course you’ll be fine – as discussed last week, you’ve got to have enough confidence to survive as a stand-alone human – but you’re still allowed to acknowledge that farewells are not your favourite thing.
Sometimes you forget what a risk you take by investing everything in another person. You don’t think about the power you have to shatter each other. But it’s always there and goodbyes, even short term ones, can’t help but remind you.

All you can do is crack on with your life and look forward to the next time you’ll be together. The next family gathering, the next spa weekend with a chum, and the next opportunity to ask your other half whether he really thinks the bathroom floor is a suitable resting place for his undergarments.

Because, in your heart of hearts, you know you’d never want to say goodbye to that.

Where does your confidence come from?

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So much of our confidence is informed by evidence.

Every success, failure, romance, heartbreak, deliciously baked cake and inexplicably burnt fish finger contributes to our perception of our right to be deemed a worthwhile human being.

But we’re an unreliable witness to our own lives. It’s very hard for us to see the bigger picture – that, actually, on balance, we’re doing alright. OK, we’re not nailing it in the removing-a-cake-from-the-tin-without-it-breaking-in-two department, and our sewing skills leave a lot to be desired, but we have friends and they don’t care. A cake is still a cake, and they would very much like to eat it.

Our confidence is boosted and knocked down relentlessly – though often unintentionally – by all the people we interact with – friends, family, colleagues, that lady at the station who sometimes says she likes my hair and sometimes doesn’t. On a daily basis we can leap from thinking we’re the coolest kid on the block to the world’s biggest moron as many times as we go to the bathroom (which in my case is quite a lot. It’s important to keep hydrated).

What we need more than evidence is belief; belief in ourselves as people that are worthy of good things – of kind treatment, nice times, and a second chance at proving that we can remember to grease the cake tin first. We need that base level of confidence so that if somebody does question our choice of jeans or job or fails to laugh at our joke in which we hilariously replaced the word ‘awkward’ with ‘orchid’, we know we’re still alright. It needn’t shake us too hard.

Being in a relationship can do wonders for your confidence. Regardless of the story you told them almost knocking yourself out on the way to a McFly concert because you were just SO. EXCITED, or using an aerosol can instead of a hammer to construct a bedside table, they think you’re interesting enough to sometimes justify turning off the X-Box mid-game. And that feels good (though discovering that there’s actually just been a power cut feels less good).

But the risk is that, if you’d not yet managed to come to the conclusion by yourself that you were a worthwhile human being before they came along and told you so, you might forget to make sure you actually believe it. You might let yourself think that it’s that person who justifies you, instead of you.

Having somebody who loves you gives you some marvellous evidence to add to the case for your confidence – I recommend that you pin it to the wall and point at it daily. And you each have a huge role to play in giving the other a much needed boost every now and then (as discussed last week in my chat about the importance of pep talks), but for that to stick, you’ve got to have your own firm layer of confidence to start from. Otherwise, what are you going to do when they’re out? Or when you socialise without them? Or when you’re telling your orchid joke for the fifteenth time and people are STILL not laughing?

Oh yes, be buoyed, be supported, be delighted by their belief in you – hell, have a bloody massive grin about it for it is the greatest thing – but be sure to make time to take a strong dose of it for yourself too.

Because otherwise, in a fight between you and a broken cake or a burnt fish finger, it’s going to be them that wins. And we both know that you deserve better than that.

Relationships: How to give a good pep talk

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IMG_20150111_200446-1024x1024Relationships don’t generally come with a job description – and that is for the best as that would be weird.

But in some ways one would be useful, to help you prepare for the unexpected tasks that’ll come your way. Participation in daily games of ‘have you seen my keys/phone/wallet?’ is one example, as is negotiating Sock Mountain which mysteriously forms at the end of the bed each week, despite the ready availability and easy-to-lift lid of the laundry basket.And another is always being available to give a pep talk.

Now, if you hold the same level of contempt for sport as I do (it’s high, it’s very high) then you won’t have paid much attention to the pep talk element of films before. It’s that bit where the coach tells the sports people that they’re all champions whether they win or lose but *spoiler* they always then win because that’s what happens when everybody wears matching jackets and makes speeches set to music, apparently.

But when you’re in a relationship – your own personal team which you very much want to do well – it’s you that has to give the motivational speeches. Because, as I’ve said before, you’re in charge of holding each other up against whatever might happen to come your way. Jobs will be hard, people will be tricky and sometimes Tesco will run out of chocolate covered raisins and you’re going to have to help each other through it.

Sometimes a person is just going to come right out and ask for one – they’re going to say, hey, I’m struggling and I need you to talk me down. But that will only come from somebody who knows what they need which, in my case, took about five years to learn. In the run up to such knowledge came many tantrums, throwing around of the arms and expressions of “I AM VERY UPSET AND I DON’T KNOW WHY!” My arms were constantly flailing from approx 2005 – 10, FYI.

IMG_20150111_200219-1024x1024But then there are the other kind – the more common genre – the kind that you have to force upon a person, which will come about more regularly. You will notice that the other person is in need of a boost, probably before they’ve realised themselves. Perhaps confidence is lacking, or they’re trying to conquer an age-old demon (fear of absolutely everybody in the world thinking I’m a total dickhead is a favourite of mine), or maybe they’re just overtired and need to be reminded that everything will look much better in the morning.

And in any of these cases, what you need to do, is take it upon yourself to hit that person hard with the truth. Perhaps they are being over-sensitive but you understand why, or maybe they’ve taken on too much and they’re getting stressed out, or perhaps their view of the world is being hampered by the poor performance of some rugby team they care an unhealthy amount about. Whatever it is, you’ve got to break it to them; it’s your duty.

And after that come the niceties, the compliments, the reminders that they are in fact a super swell person who you have gone so far as to marry/move in with/go on a date with more than once. You get to tell them that they are actually a very decent/reasonable/rational human really, they just needed to be reminded. It’s really a very nice part of the job.

In fact, it’s one of the best parts – not just in marriage, but in other relationships too, with friends or family – it’s a privilege to know somebody well enough to be able to have a conversation that makes them feel better, to reassure them that they’re not doing life wrong. Because sometimes it’s just very hard to tell, isn’t it.

This is just another part of relationships that nobody warns you about and that nobody sees, but that actually quietly defines you.

Thankfully the same cannot be said for discussions about Sock Mountain.

Relationship advice: How NOT to have an argument

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Everybody thinks they know how to argue. And then they move in with somebody and find out that they don’t.

I thought he and I were different. We don’t like confrontation, I thought, so we’ll just sort everything out like reasonable human beings, forgetting that I am not a reasonable human being.

And although it’s true that we don’t like confrontation (who does?), I do like a clean house, a tidy bedroom and to live with a human being who realises that if you’re not in a room, you should TURN THE FLAMING LIGHT OFF. He, on the other hand, likes the precise opposite, so we had no choice but to exchange just a few cross words to ensure we’d both survive cohabitation.

And I know now that I did it all wrong. Although we survived the process, sometimes I wonder how. So to save everybody else the trouble, I thought I’d share what I learnt: here’s how not to have an argument. Let this be a lesson to you.

Lots and lots and lots of sighing

Next time I update the ‘Other interests’ section of my CV, I’m going to add ‘passive aggression’. My first tactic for addressing my frustration when I found that he had failed to change a toilet roll/not emptied the bin/left yet another pair of boxer shorts on the bathroom floor (is it intended as a gift? You know, like when a cat brings you a dead mouse or something?) was to sigh over and over again in the hope that the increase in condensation in the flat would alert him to his errors. It didn’t work.

When asked what’s wrong, say “Nothing”

When the sighing got so excessive that I was at risk of hyperventilating, he would give in and ask what was wrong. And instead of just explaining “Your inability to grate cheese on the kitchen worktops without it look like a bale of hay has just exploded in the house,” I just said ‘Nothing’ and assumed that he would know that what I really meant was LOADS. Yeah, that didn’t work either.

Start talking to yourself

This is probably the most absurd stage in the passive aggression journey. At the end of my ridiculous tether after he’d refused to decipher the precise meaning of my sighs and clearly coded ‘Nothing’, I resolved to just start talking to myself in the hope that he would finally catch on. It’s very easy, all you do is stomp about whilst tidying the house muttering the following under your breath:

“Well hello there pair of pants, how very nice of you to come and sit right there in the middle of the bathroom floor! I guess I’ll just pick you up myself, shall I? Hmmm?!” 

or, for the ultimate in being a complete twerp, start thanking yourself:

“Oh thank you, Charlotte! How kind of you to clean up all my sh*t! Yes you do have MUPPET tattooed on your forehead and may I say how well it goes with your eyes. Your big muppet eyes.” 


He didn’t bite. He just sat and watched, baffled as to why he had ever agreed to move in with such a complete lunatic.

When forced to explain what is the matter, completely lose your sh*t and all perspective about what you were originally cross about

Eventually after one to two hours of the aforementioned arsing about, he would finally ask me to just say what the matter was. And I’d have wound myself up SO much by that point that I would just start blurting out expletives whilst pointing at the fridge or the bin like a mad person. I’d be apoplectic with rage and yet I wouldn’t really be sure why. His original crime – for example, eating all of the chocolate orange my grandma had bought for me, or talking during Coronation Street – had escalated to such an extent that I’d lost all ability to articulate myself. We’d both just have to retire to different rooms for a bit whilst I gathered myself, and he played X-Box until I was ready to start behaving like a normal human. What a bloody palaver.

BUT HERE’S WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE

Just calmly mentioned that something was bothering me, explained why and, as is the rule for everything in life, tried not to behave like a total dick. Who knew?

Well, now you do and thankfully so do I. Otherwise there’s no way we’d have made it this far. If only somebody had told me all this before we’d moved in together, I’d have spent a lot less time being severely out of breath.

Oh well. *sighs*