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10 things I have taught my husband (and 11 things he has taught me)

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10 things I have taught my husband

1. The phrase ‘Softly softly catchee monkey’. I don’t know if you’ve ever been there the first time a person hears these words, but it’s a very special moment.

2. That when I say ‘It would be great if you could…’ (tidy the kitchen/empty the washing machine/stop eating all the chocolate and then leaving the wrapper in the cupboard to trick me into believing that there’s some left) I mean – ‘I’m annoyed that you haven’t already…’

3. That although having somebody say that they love you in person is excellent, from time to time, I will need to see that in writing via a greetings card.

4. That what’s even more impressive than offering to load the dishwasher, is actually remembering to switch it on. *twitches*

5. That watching a woman put on tights is 100% less sexy than it first appears.

6. That house trousers – i.e. a pantalon so comfortable that you can eat a giant roast dinner and 200g of chocolate and still not feel a pinch at your waistline – are an essential belonging (and in no way a sign that you’ve stopped making an effort with your appearance).

7. That attempting to rouse a woman who has fallen asleep on the sofa late at night is a task undertaken at your own risk.

8. That going to the supermarket (or arranging for a suitable representative to deliver their produce to your door) is something that people who like eating food HAVE. TO. DO.

9. That washing a jumper that says ‘Hand-wash only’ on the label at 40 degrees comes with consequences (namely me making shite and frankly terrifying jokes for the next three months about how I’m going to keep the now tiny jumper to give to the daughter that we may one day co-produce. Though, to be fair, he has never made that mistake again.)

10. That despite my limited physical strength, I would fight anything and anyone who ever tries to hurt him (and if they happen to pop round when I’ve just had a nap then GOOD LUCK TO THEM).

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And 11 things he has taught me…

1. That you can grate cheese onto soup. What was my life before I knew this?

2. That the level of rage I experience when attempting to update my iPod makes me very difficult to be around.

3. That some people like to sit and let their food go down after dinner, rather than instantly tidying the entire kitchen – and that doing so does not mean that they do not ‘respect the value of living in a clean house’ but that they are full, tired, and will do it in a bit.

4. That there is no limit to the number of rugby highlights a person can enjoy. Like, not at ALL.

5. That really it would be better for both of us if I just went to bed when I was tired.

6. That he is willing to lie to me about how ‘truly’ frightening rides are at theme parks in order to persuade me to go on them (I imagine that the people who run the automatic camera on Oblivion at Alton Towers enjoyed the moment when I found this out).

7. That there is no more effective way to avoid an argument than simply refusing to join in and leaving the room.

8. ….and that following a person who does this around and sighing will not alter their decision.

9. That having an iPad means that I can watch Coronation Street in the bath. (It is possible that this lesson was 40% motivated by knowing I will enjoy my programmes in a warm setting, and 60% by the knowledge that it will free up the television for X-Box based activities).

10. That it is possible to look at a person and wonder how on earth there was ever a time when you didn’t know them.

11. And that I never want that time to come again.

The seven stages of falling asleep on the sofa

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It was only ever meant to be a little dose of innocent shut eye. Just a momentary escape from Match of the Day, or the adverts in the middle of Rude Tube, or a conversation with her husband about what they’re going to do on New Year’s Eve.

But now she’s woken from what accidentally turned into a full-on sleep and she’s livid. Her eyes dart from side to side, searching for what will tonight win the title ‘Single Most Annoying Thing In The World’. Will it be that glass on the coffee table that’s been there since last night, or will it be that pair of shoes that she specifically asked be placed on the mat but that stand there on the tiles, mocking her. Or will it be her own inability to stand up without tripping over the throw she’s been sleeping under and looking like a dickhead.

It’s the same story every time:

Stage 1: The ‘little lie down’. She slides down the sofa ‘just to get comfortable’ whilst watching television. This is her first crucial mistake. Lying down is basically giving her body permission to drift off to snooze town. She might as well just throw back a shot of Night Nurse, sing herself a lullaby and be done with it.

Stage 2: The cover. Whether it’s a throw that lives on the sofa (for the sole purpose of accidental nap time), an over-sized gentleman’s jumper or a freshly washed towel, she’ll grab anything she can get her paws on and throw it over herself, just to make the sofa feel even more like a bed. There is, of course, a very nice and very available bed just upstairs but in the interests of not moving a single muscle, she’s convinced herself that the sofa is superior.

Stage 3: The gentle warning. A voice of calm will suddenly speak out across the lounge. “Charlotte, don’t fall asleep. Remember you don’t like it when you wake up on the sofa. Why don’t you just go to bed, hmmm?” She appreciates his concern (even if his tone is just a little patronising – doesn’t he have any faith in her?) but she’s only going to be here a few minutes so he needn’t worry – she is totally in control.


Stage 4: Deep sleep. Before she knows it, she is spark out, dead to the world. Only an earthquake or the Coronation Street opening titles could wake her now. And if the gentleman in the room has it his way neither of those two things is going to happen any time soon. He’s just going to plug in the X-Box and enjoy a little bit of calm before the inevitable post-nap storm.

Stage 5: The awakening. The time comes when he wants to go to bed. And because he’s a nice man, (and one who has heard many times that she doesn’t appreciate waking up to find herself downstairs alone – why does he think it’s OK to abandon her?!) he attempts to wake her. He has a number of strategies for this – from the gentle to the electronic. There’s the gentle shake, the relentless repetition of her name until she wakes up shouting “WHAT DO YOU WANT STOP GOING ON AT ME” or, for the more comatose episodes, he will ring her mobile and let the sudden vibrating of the device next to her startle her back into reality. She does not appreciate the call.

Step 6: The stomp. And now she’s awake. And for a number of reasons – none of which are anybody’s fault but her own – she is cross. She’s cross that she fell asleep on the sofa AGAIN, cross that she’s still fully clothed and now inexplicably BOILING, and livid that she now has to drag her sorry behind upstairs whilst feeling (and looking) like a zombie. And so along the way she’ll find anything to direct her fury at – an out of date pile of newspapers, a scarf that’s fallen on the floor, or a bowl that has innocently missed its go in the dishwasher (largely because she was eating marshmallows from it before she fell asleep clutching it to her chest). She is a walking, shouting example of why one should indeed never wake a baby, a dog or a sugar-filled, world weary woman.

Step 7: The regret. Just as her mum always said, everything does indeed look better in the morning. In the light of day she’ll see that actually that overflowing pile of washing doesn’t really make her so mad that she wants to throw all the clothes out of the window so they can just ‘bloody well get washed in the rain’; and that if she’s honest, she remembers now that it was actually her idea to turn the heating up before she drifted off to sleep and that of course nobody is trying to make her sweat herself into oblivion. She apologises to the most patient man in the world (and to the dishwasher which she remembers kicking for a reason she can’t quite recall) and promises just to get into bed next time she feels tired.

And so another day commences, another commute gets underway, and the clock ticks until yet another evening of dinner and warmth and ill-advised portions of sweet snacks turns into a one-woman battle to stay conscious. She must just try to stay upright for as long as possible, and then send herself to bed as soon as her eyelids start weighing her down.

Because there’s only so many times this man is going to have the energy to try and negotiate with a woman who wakes up and starts shouting at a pile of newspapers for failing to find their way into the ‘cocking recycling bin’.

And anyway, he did warn her that this would happen in the first place. He’s just not sure that now is the best time to mention it.

*By she I mean me, by her I mean me, and by Charlotte, I mean me. What do you mean you already knew that?

5 things that happen when you have a fringe

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1. You learn you can fit your head into any size sink
The first rule of fringe club is that you must NEVER TALK ABOUT FRINGE CLUB (mainly because people will think you’re a loser). And the second rule of fringe club is that a fringe generally needs to be washed every day. They’re just so needy. But what if you don’t want to wash all of your hair? What if you’ve got better things to do, like pair up your socks, oil your zips, or just have an extra half hour in bed? Well, then you’ve no choice but to stick that thing under a tap. I may not be able to do a forward roll, touch my toes, or stand up without saying “Ooh, me back” but when it comes to fitting my head into a sink; I’m as flexible as they come.

2. You’re always just one night’s sleep away from looking like an eighties throwback
Regardless of how much you blow dry, straighten or talk nicely to your fringe during the day, as soon as you get into bed, that thing is out of your control. No matter what I do, every day when I wake up my fringe is a good three inches above my forehead, making my look like a scarecrow that has spent the last eight hours flat on its face. If a bunch of crows every decides to try and burgle our house in the middle of the night, they are in for a very nasty surprise.

3. People treat you like a hero (sort of)
“I just couldn’t do what you do,” they say, when beholding your new fringe, as if you’ve adopted a rare, endangered animal as a pet or given up chocolate forever. “How are you planning to look after that thing AND hold down a full time job?” They look at you and shake their head, baffled as to how you manage to fit it all in. Sometimes I wonder myself.

4. You can hide a world of sins beneath a fringe
Shiny forehead? Eyebrows in need of attention? Rasher of bacon you want to save for your elevenses? No worries! A good fringe will hide every single one of those bad boys (though the bacon will start to slip down after an hour or so). However, what you can’t hide is the variety of other unexpected treats a fringe will collect during the day – mascara from the morning make-up dash, hot chocolate foam, bits of sandwich… You’ve really got to keep your wits about you.

5. You learn the hard way that, no; you shouldn’t try and trim it yourself 

Put. The. Scissors. Down. Yes, I know it’s getting in your eyes and that you can’t see and that you’re starting to look like Cousin Itt from The Addams Family but do not try and cut that thing yourself. Take it from someone who wasn’t given such wise advice, had a go and spent the next two weeks looking like a three year old. You have been warned.

Relationships: Six ways to help keep things interesting

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BuntingI’ve read dozens of women’s magazines about ways to make a relationship more exciting.

And they all suggest similar things – weekends away, writing each other love letters, getting dressed up and pretending to be completely different people for an evening…

And that’s all well and good but what if you don’t have the time, money and interest in fancy dress required to make them happen? What if your idea of role play is having him fill the dishwasher while you play on the X-Box for once?

The problem with these suggestions is that they don’t cater for those of us wishing to spice up the mundane. What a relationship needs is small scale, every day gestures to keep things fresh.

So, seeing as lady mags refuse to do it for us, I have stepped up and written some suggestions of my own. Follow these steps and see daily life move from monotony to out-of-this-world excitement before your very eyes. You’re welcome, ladies.

1. Serve snacks in your very best vessels

So what if all you’ve got to offer for pudding is a packet of Cadbury’s Chocolate Buttons? It doesn’t matter that it’s not a homemade trifle or a hand-crafted tart, all you need is to bring out one of your best bowls (you know, the ones that don’t have any cracks in at all) and all of a sudden pudding has become dessert. You’ll be so blown away by the effect it has on the atmosphere in your house, you’ll be looking for a waiter to ask for the bill.

2. Schedule at least one night a week when you won’t fall asleep in front of the telly

Now, this will take some planning but it’s well worth the effort. Think how amazing it’ll be to have just one evening where you don’t wake up dazed and confused on the sofa at midnight to the sound of your other half shouting from the bedroom “I won’t call you again – please just come to bed!” Think how amazed he’ll be to see you conscious for an entire night – you might even get to see a whole television programme together! All you’ll need to make this happen is an early night every night for the week leading up to the event, a bowl of water on hand for face-splashing purposes, and something extraordinarily compelling to watch on TV. I recommend Don’t Tell The Bride.

3. Make outlandish culinary suggestions

The secret to a happy relationship is to integrate the element of surprise into everyday life. For example, when my husband got home the other day, I suggested that we ate a sauce I’d originally made to go with cod, with steak. I KNOW. And then, when he was already dazzled, I floated the idea that perhaps we could explore other sauces to liven up our dinners. If that doesn’t keep him coming back for more, I don’t know what will.

4. Incorporate jokes into everyday life

“Would you like a little bit of chocolate?” he says.

“No, I’d like LOADS!” I say.

“Are you in the bedroom?” I say.

“No,” he says, clearly sitting in the lounge.

“Oh I just assumed you were, seeing as THE LIGHT IS STILL ON IN THERE.”

NB: Sarcasm can be considered relationship kryptonite when used incorrectly so think carefully before deploying it. Always ensure the person you’re dealing with realises you’re trying to be funny and that you’re not just being a cow.

5. Suggest very small-scale home improvements

Some people might think redecorating a room or building a conservatory is the perfect way to liven up a relationship. Those people do not live here. But that doesn’t mean we don’t want to make our home better, we just want to do it at a rate we can handle – i.e. very, very slowly. Today, for example, I suggested we put the garden bunting we received as a wedding gift up on the fence. We did it together, it took us ten minutes (after which we both had to have a sit down) and we can now bask in our domestic success until the autumn – winner!

6. Make him find loyalty points as exciting as you do 

A woman with an eye for a bargain is worth more to a relationship than 20 mini-breaks, and that’s a fact. Sure it’s not something for the early dating days – nobody wants to have a chat about your most recent Advantage Card points coup on a first date, but once you’re living together, a money-saving win classes as high quality banter. And what could bring more joy to a relationship than knowing you’ve made that saving together – that your combined efforts are the reasons you’re going to the cinema for free, or purchasing baked beans at half the usual retail price? Splashing your cash only gets you so far, it’s 241 coupons that are at the heart of a truly happy marriage.

Well, if those tips don’t add a touch of spice to your relationship then I don’t know what will. And sure, you can still partake in the odd weekend away or love letter writing marathon should you wish, but it’s these bad boys that will keep you going through the mundanity of modern life.

And of course, you can always try a touch of role play should it take your fancy. My current favourite costume involves my pyjamas, dressing gown, slippers and pretending to be a woman so exhausted she just falls asleep as soon as you turn on the television. I’m not sure it’s quite what Cosmopolitan had in mind.