marriage - Nothing good rhymes with Charlotte

Relationships: How to give a good pep talk

11/01/2015 by Charlotte Leave a Comment

Relationships don’t generally come with a job description – and that is for the best as that would be weird.

But in some ways one would be useful, to help you prepare for the unexpected tasks that’ll come your way. Participation in daily games of ‘have you seen my keys/phone/wallet?’ is one example, as is negotiating Sock Mountain which mysteriously forms at the end of the bed each week, despite the ready availability and easy-to-lift lid of the laundry basket.And another is always being available to give a pep talk.

Now, if you hold the same level of contempt for sport as I do (it’s high, it’s very high) then you won’t have paid much attention to the pep talk element of films before. It’s that bit where the coach tells the sports people that they’re all champions whether they win or lose but *spoiler* they always then win because that’s what happens when everybody wears matching jackets and makes speeches set to music, apparently.

But when you’re in a relationship – your own personal team which you very much want to do well – it’s you that has to give the motivational speeches. Because, as I’ve said before, you’re in charge of holding each other up against whatever might happen to come your way. Jobs will be hard, people will be tricky and sometimes Tesco will run out of chocolate covered raisins and you’re going to have to help each other through it.

Sometimes a person is just going to come right out and ask for one – they’re going to say, hey, I’m struggling and I need you to talk me down. But that will only come from somebody who knows what they need which, in my case, took about five years to learn. In the run up to such knowledge came many tantrums, throwing around of the arms and expressions of “I AM VERY UPSET AND I DON’T KNOW WHY!” My arms were constantly flailing from approx 2005 – 10, FYI.

But then there are the other kind – the more common genre – the kind that you have to force upon a person, which will come about more regularly. You will notice that the other person is in need of a boost, probably before they’ve realised themselves. Perhaps confidence is lacking, or they’re trying to conquer an age-old demon (fear of absolutely everybody in the world thinking I’m a total dickhead is a favourite of mine), or maybe they’re just overtired and need to be reminded that everything will look much better in the morning.

And in any of these cases, what you need to do, is take it upon yourself to hit that person hard with the truth. Perhaps they are being over-sensitive but you understand why, or maybe they’ve taken on too much and they’re getting stressed out, or perhaps their view of the world is being hampered by the poor performance of some rugby team they care an unhealthy amount about. Whatever it is, you’ve got to break it to them; it’s your duty.

And after that come the niceties, the compliments, the reminders that they are in fact a super swell person who you have gone so far as to marry/move in with/go on a date with more than once. You get to tell them that they are actually a very decent/reasonable/rational human really, they just needed to be reminded. It’s really a very nice part of the job.

In fact, it’s one of the best parts – not just in marriage, but in other relationships too, with friends or family – it’s a privilege to know somebody well enough to be able to have a conversation that makes them feel better, to reassure them that they’re not doing life wrong. Because sometimes it’s just very hard to tell, isn’t it.

This is just another part of relationships that nobody warns you about and that nobody sees, but that actually quietly defines you.

Thankfully the same cannot be said for discussions about Sock Mountain.

2014 in review: 21 useful things I learnt this year

28/12/2014 by Charlotte 5 Comments

There’s a reason every single person on the internet is busy writing a 2014 round-up: because we all love to have an annual look-back on our lives.

We don’t make enough time for it. The most we allocate is a few seconds each day to realising that the tweet we wrote that morning wasn’t funny, or to regretting wearing that pair of tights that always falls down. It’s not really reflection, just instant short term regret.

So at this time of year when we’ve nothing to do but sit down, eat and watch Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em re-runs, we have the perfect opportunity to take a little glance over our shoulder at the year gone by and think about what we’ve done – for better or for worse.

I’m currently mentally preparing a strong list of resolutions (another ground-breaking blog post in the making) but I can’t do that until I’ve benefited from a little retrospect. So here it is – a few of the things I learnt in 2014. I hope you’ll find at least one or two of them useful.

1. Rhubarb is a delicious addition to a cocktail. ‘Tis super sweet, mind, but glorious if you don’t prioritise the health of your teeth. 2. There’s no better tune to dance around your house to than Does Your Mother Know by ABBA. Try it, I’m not wrong. 3. Japan is a marvellous place. The people are oh so friendly, the food is lush, and you don’t have to be a child to get into Disneyland Tokyo, thank GOODNESS. The only downside is that when your holiday’s over, you have to go home. 4. Kitchen refurbishments take longer than you think. It turns out that the novelty of ordering take-away can wear off. Who knew? 5. Writing in the morning is the nuts. You’re surprisingly awake and productive after a big night’s sleep. Well, DUH.

6. Good friends really come into their own in times of crisis. And for that I will always be grateful. 7. Some prawns contain histamine, which explains why I often get an itchy nose after a stir fry. I KNOW RIGHT. 8. Even highly successful, famous people feel like a bit of a dick sometimes, as I found out at this year’s Mumsnet Blogfest. So either suck it up or quit forever. That thick skin will keep you lovely and warm during the winter months. 9. Don’t forget to celebrate your achievements. I bought two pairs of boots with my first freelance monies and sing “These boots were paid by working” to the tune of “These boots were made for walking” whenever I wear them (even though it doesn’t really make sense). I didn’t get paid for being good at puns, OK? 10. Don’t be afraid to admit when you are struggling. There will always be somebody out there who can help you. Always.

11. Homemade fish and chips are delicious. However, deep frying them in a pan of oil without the use of a thermometer will set the smoke alarm off at least three times and make my husband – the most patient man in the world – completely lose his sh*t. 12. Tina Fey’s autobiography ‘Bossypants’ is the greatest thing that has ever happened. Seriously. 13. You’re never too old to just start crying because you’re too tired. All you can hope for is the wisdom to know that that is what’s the matter with you. Either that or a very patient spouse/friend who will work it out for you. 14. Mindfulness is the answer to so many of the world’s problems. If you haven’t tried it yet then I strongly recommend that you do. It’s hard work but wonderfully calming. 15. Drinking a whole bottle of champagne before cooking chicken satay will add an extra element of danger to proceedings (and possibly a little more chilli than you’d originally planned.) 16. Dyeing your hair a completely different colour is like putting on an invisibility cloak. My closest family and friends still struggle to recognise me. Shall I use my new powers for good or for evil?

17. Avocado is the greatest thing ever to happen to breakfast. That may be the most middle class thing I’ve ever said and I stand by it. 18. If you want to run a successful blog, you need a plan. It may have been the hottest weekend of the year but the time I spent at Blogcademy was unbelievably useful. Being a grown-up means being delighted to pay money to learn loads more stuff. 19. No longer reading The Metro and cutting down on my use of Facebook are two of the best decisions I have made all year. I now read more books and feel less bad about my social life. I believe they call that WINNING. 20. Never underestimate the power of the gift of a bag of sweets. Pure joy costs no more than £1.49. 21. Marriage is about holding each other up – sometimes physically – against whichever troubles, stresses or incompetent kitchen fitters happen to come your way. You must always be ready to put your arms out.

And you?

Gone in 60 minutes: When married people go out for dinner

16/11/2014 by Charlotte Leave a Comment

How long does it normally take you to go out for dinner with your other half? An hour and a half? Two hours? Maybe even three if there’s a strong selection of cheese on the menu.

They’re great. The long lingering meals, the peering at each other over the salt and pepper, the flirtatious sips of gins and tonics, and seductive gnawing on garlic bread.

But when you live together, sometimes that’s not what you’re looking for from a trip out to an eatery. Sometimes you just want to eat.

All couples have a list of their go-to favourite places, often within walking distance of their house to allow for booze-fuelled wobbling home. We’ve got a Japanese place we frequent so often we should probably pay rent, a sushi joint where we can recite the entire menu and a cheap and cheerful noodle cafe which is as good at prawn dumplings as it is at strip lighting. And now we know them so well that we can put on our shoes, leave the house, order our food, eat, pay for it and get back through our front door within 60 minutes. Even less if the buses are on our side.

Because with knowledge comes speed. I know that at the Japanese I’ll have the calamares, the beef teriyaki and an aloe juice, and that at the sushi house I’ll have everything on the menu that features tempura, followed by the melty chocolatey fondant. Sure, you can bring me a menu if you want but I’ll only use it to point at the same things I select every single time we go there. There’s none of that ‘Can we just have a couple more minutes?’ malarkey with us; even if one of us pops to the loo, the other can order on their behalf. Our trip is as predictable as it is delicious.

They don’t tell you this when you get married. Sure, they talk to you about patience and tolerance and always being best friends, yadayadayada, but I don’t remember the bit when they said ‘And, as an added bonus, there will be a selection of restaurants that you’ll know so well that you can be there and back in less time than it takes to watch an edition of Match of the Day (though it will definitely feel a lot quicker).’

The great thing about going out with somebody you’ve been with for a long time is that you can admit that sometimes your hunger is so consuming that you won’t be able to speak until your dinner arrives. We can just agree to use our remaining energy to both glare at the kitchen until somebody brings us our food. We can have a proper conversation once we’ve stopped our stomachs from grumbling or over email or whatever. Right now, we’re here to eat.

But don’t take this as a complaint. This little ritual makes me just as happy as when we head further afield to try somewhere new. Speedy local eating is just an extra part of the marriage deal, like joint credit cards, anniversaries, and threats of divorce every time you ask for help changing the bed.

I used to look at couples who weren’t saying anything to each other over dinner with real pity. I assumed they were on the brink of a split, and were just sat there working out who would get the dog and who originally paid for the Lighthouse Family CD. But now I know differently. There’s a good chance they’re happier than they’ve ever been. They’re just ravenous and sat quietly waiting for his beer, her passion fruit mojito, and the crab sushi rolls that they both love almost as much as they love each other.

Almost.

Anniversaries: The more the merrier

05/10/2014 by Charlotte Leave a Comment

Anniversaries are good for you. I’m pretty sure any doctor would back me up.

Remembering the date on which nice things happened and taking the time to look back and say “Well, wasn’t that a good day” and having a cake or a pork pie to celebrate doesn’t do anybody any harm.

The only problem is that for those of us whose brains are unnecessarily good at remembering the exact date on which things take place, the anniversary calendar can get a little over populated.

I get that celebrating nine years since my husband and I first discovered that we both enjoy Jaffa Cakes does seem a little unnecessary but who doesn’t love an excuse to binge on a box of those? And why is it that Clinton Cards doesn’t sell “Happy first trip to IKEA together-aversary” cards? Now I come to think of it, it’s probably because most couples don’t make it past that point…

On Monday of last week, it was nine years since my husband said “Erm, so are you my girlfriend then?” and I – unaware that this would be the very (first and) last time that these words would ever be said to me replied “I guess I am”. A momentous occasion, I’m sure you’ll agree.

But now that we’re married and have a grown up wedding anniversary to celebrate (which was only a few weeks ago) this date has been removed from the ‘important dates on which we must leave the house and say nice things to each other’ calendar. I feel robbed.

But I get why it’s gone. Two anniversaries in a month is a lot of admin for one couple to take on, a lot of restaurants to book, a lot of cards to write, a lot of champagne infused burps to hold back. So we’ve agreed to go all out each year for the wedding one, and just to high five to mark the other. (And if I want to open a bottle of bubbles just for me then that’s my decision *stumbles*).

People’s memories work in different ways. Some remember things by smell or by taste or by the music that was playing, and I remember things according to the precise date and time at which they happened. It’s just unfortunate that my way makes me sound like a stalker.

And it’s not just limited to relationship stuff either. I happen to know that this week marks ten years since my now best friend and I became chums. I can’t send her a card for that because she will think that I am insane. Similarly, it is a fact that on my birthday it was 29 years since I first met my mum. Why am I the only one who gets a present? She really did put all the effort into the occasion.

And let’s not forget that the more anniversaries you celebrate the more excuses you have to eat and drink whatever you like. Fancy throwing down a full bag of Percy Pigs? Well, why not, it is two years since you and your boyfriend realised that they are far superior to Fizzy Pig Tails. Feel the need to consume an entire block of Cadbury’s Fruit and Nut? Well, with it being six months since you had to explain to your other half that although, yes, the sofa is brown leather, melted chocolate does still show up on it, I’d say you deserve it.

Life is tiring and complicated and involves far too few holidays for my liking, so we’ve got to find fun wherever we can. So if there happens to be a date in the diary that gives you an excuse to send a card or an email or affectionate thumbs up to somebody you’re pleased to know then I say take it.

You’re basically giving another human being an excuse to go out and buy themselves a cake and how could that ever be a bad thing?

29 things I’ve learnt in 29 years

06/07/2014 by Charlotte 2 Comments

I found a grey hair.

That’s weird, I thought, I’ve never had any blond hairs grow from the root before, I’ve always had to dye those in. It’s a summertime miracle!

But then I looked closer and saw that both the light and my deluded brain were playing tricks on me. The strand before me was quite clearly grey.

And it’s not all that surprising. On Friday of this week I will turn 29. That big serious age that comes right before 30 when I’ll have to stop spending Friday nights chomping through cheese puffs and start acting like a proper person.

But thankfully my years have not been completely wasted; I have at least learnt a thing or two. So this week, with my birthday on the horizon and the dawn of my thirtieth year just around the corner (WHY GOD, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?), I thought I would share the top 29 of those things – one for every year of my existence. Feel free to thank me for my wisdom on Friday with cake.

1. Pants-wise, there comes a time when only full knickers will do. That time is now.

2. A house without cheese is like a purse the day before payday. Empty and hopeless.

3. One should buy the amount of chocolate one intends to eat. You will not save the other half until tomorrow, you are lying.

4. If a man cannot find you attractive in a pair of pyjamas, your relationship is not going to last. He’ll see you in those bad boys much more frequently than anything else.

5. Aggressive people are always much crosser with themselves than they are with you. (Though mentioning that will probably not help.)

6. Pumps are not shoes, they are outdoor slippers. If it hasn’t got a strap and a solid sole, I’m not wearing it.

7. Mascara is the greatest invention of all time.

8. …closely followed by dry shampoo.

9. My mum was right; you really shouldn’t walk around whilst cleaning your teeth. That sh*t gets everywhere.

10. She also said that everything will look better in the morning. And she was right. (Except my face. After six hours crushed into a pillow, that looks MUCH worse. See points 7 and 8 for the solution).

11. The person who gets out of the shower or bath always feels much better than the person who got in (unless the hot water is broken. A quick heat test beforehand will help avoid disappointment).

12. You have rarely truly lost a pair of earrings; they are just waiting for you in a handbag you’ve forgotten you own.

13. Life is too short to drink ‘from concentrate’ fruit juice.

14. Under no circumstances should a working person be expected to go out on a Monday night.

15. Your relationship with your other half should be the easiest of all. The rest of the world will bring you plenty of drama to help keep things interesting.

16. Two-ply tissues aren’t worth anybody’s time or money.

17. It is never worth spending lots of money on an umbrella, sunglasses or gloves. It’s like they want you to lose them.

18. However much a pair of heels are hurting your feet, don’t take them off until you get home. Putting them back on again to travel will bring more pain than any human should endure.

19. If you want an adult to sleep anywhere other than their own bed, you need to make it seriously worth their while.

20. If you’re lucky, your siblings will become friends who just happen to have the same parents as you (for whom the memory of your older brother pushing a poached egg into your face will always remain embarrassingly clear).

21. Regardless of the circumstances, from the moment a woman decides that she’s going to bed, she is always at least half an hour from laying her head on the pillow.

22. If you have to chase somebody just to keep them in your life, it’s probably not worth the effort. (Unless that person is driving an ice cream van in which case RUN!)

23. There is no greater feeling on earth than getting into a freshly changed bed with newly shaved legs. (Whether they’re your own or someone else’s.)

24. If you notice that a person has food or pen on their face, it is your duty to let them know.

25. Cooking rice is 100% easier if you read the instructions on the packet. Who knew?

26. The original Percy Pig sweet will always be the strongest of the franchise. The rest of his pals can jog/trot on.

27. If you can leave a job having made just two good friends, that is a major achievement.

28. A sandwich served without crisps is like a day without sunshine. Just a massive waste of everybody’s time.

29. There is never just one grey hair.

When dear friends get married: Why I always cry at weddings

15/06/2014 by Charlotte Leave a Comment

When you get to our age, you find yourself going to a lot of weddings.

It’s how people in their late twenties/early thirties spend their weekends – we go to weddings, we go to hen and stag dos and we have conversations about how much worse our hangovers are now that we’re old. We’re a lot of fun.

And it’s very easy to feel cynical about all these nuptials. Weddings are tiring, our feet weren’t made for wearing high heels for 12 hours straight (particularly the boys), and our stomachs takes days to forgive us for eating our meals at funny times of the day.

But that stuff is all just logistics. The real reason we go to weddings is well worth getting a few blisters and a confused tummy for.

I’ve seen lots of my friends get married now. Real, dear, close chums with whom I’ve shared various periods of my life – school, university, jobs, that time when I learnt that I don’t get on with Sambuca… We’ve grown up together, one way or another, so when one of us gets married, it feels like a big day for all of us.

There’s not much else that we get to see our friends commit to that is so significant (though the pals who witnessed my ‘let’s wear nothing but fuchsia pink!’ phase might feel differently) so being there to witness it is a real privilege.

And for me, seeing a close friend walk down the aisle to marry the person with whom they’ll spend the rest of their life is enough to bring not just a tear but a flood to my eyes. While lots of people express joy through smiling, I do it by turning my face into a waterfall. I’ve tried not to do it, to think of all the make-up I piled on just moments before and hold it together, but I fail every time.

And if my friend getting married cries too then I might as well just call it a day and go to bed – I’m such a mess by the time they’re pronounced husband and wife that you’d think I’d been watching The Notebook. Whilst newborn babies manage to behave beautifully throughout the ceremony, it is me who needs to be carried out and wiped down.

But I actually think it’s a good thing. However you express pride in your friends, whether through tears, grins or high fives, it’s good to show it. One of the best things about being an adult is being able to look back on the times we’ve spent with our chums – the nights in eating cheese, the nights out dancing to cheese – and feel utterly amazed that somehow we’re suddenly grown up enough to do something as serious as getting married. The fact that one of our parents hasn’t stepped in to tell us to stop showing off and calm down still amazes me.

For all the panda eyes and weeping and resulting dehydration, weddings remain one of the best ways to spend a weekend. Seeing a friend looking happier than they ever have before (with the small exception of that time the DJ played a Five vs Blue megamix on their hen do – good luck beating that, hubby!) is just about as good as it gets.

And whether you’re likely to cry during the ceremony or not, I still recommend taking a packet of tissues with you to a wedding. At our age, the hangover you get the following morning is enough to make anybody sob.

Relationships: Six ways to help keep things interesting

16/03/2014 by Charlotte Leave a Comment

I’ve read dozens of women’s magazines about ways to make a relationship more exciting.

And they all suggest similar things – weekends away, writing each other love letters, getting dressed up and pretending to be completely different people for an evening…

And that’s all well and good but what if you don’t have the time, money and interest in fancy dress required to make them happen? What if your idea of role play is having him fill the dishwasher while you play on the X-Box for once?

The problem with these suggestions is that they don’t cater for those of us wishing to spice up the mundane. What a relationship needs is small scale, every day gestures to keep things fresh.

So, seeing as lady mags refuse to do it for us, I have stepped up and written some suggestions of my own. Follow these steps and see daily life move from monotony to out-of-this-world excitement before your very eyes. You’re welcome, ladies.

1. Serve snacks in your very best vessels

So what if all you’ve got to offer for pudding is a packet of Cadbury’s Chocolate Buttons? It doesn’t matter that it’s not a homemade trifle or a hand-crafted tart, all you need is to bring out one of your best bowls (you know, the ones that don’t have any cracks in at all) and all of a sudden pudding has become dessert. You’ll be so blown away by the effect it has on the atmosphere in your house, you’ll be looking for a waiter to ask for the bill.

2. Schedule at least one night a week when you won’t fall asleep in front of the telly

Now, this will take some planning but it’s well worth the effort. Think how amazing it’ll be to have just one evening where you don’t wake up dazed and confused on the sofa at midnight to the sound of your other half shouting from the bedroom “I won’t call you again – please just come to bed!” Think how amazed he’ll be to see you conscious for an entire night – you might even get to see a whole television programme together! All you’ll need to make this happen is an early night every night for the week leading up to the event, a bowl of water on hand for face-splashing purposes, and something extraordinarily compelling to watch on TV. I recommend Don’t Tell The Bride.

3. Make outlandish culinary suggestions

The secret to a happy relationship is to integrate the element of surprise into everyday life. For example, when my husband got home the other day, I suggested that we ate a sauce I’d originally made to go with cod, with steak. I KNOW. And then, when he was already dazzled, I floated the idea that perhaps we could explore other sauces to liven up our dinners. If that doesn’t keep him coming back for more, I don’t know what will.

4. Incorporate jokes into everyday life

“Would you like a little bit of chocolate?” he says.

“No, I’d like LOADS!” I say.

“Are you in the bedroom?” I say.

“No,” he says, clearly sitting in the lounge.

“Oh I just assumed you were, seeing as THE LIGHT IS STILL ON IN THERE.”

NB: Sarcasm can be considered relationship kryptonite when used incorrectly so think carefully before deploying it. Always ensure the person you’re dealing with realises you’re trying to be funny and that you’re not just being mean.

5. Suggest very small-scale home improvements

Some people might think redecorating a room or building a conservatory is the perfect way to liven up a relationship. Those people do not live here. But that doesn’t mean we don’t want to make our home better, we just want to do it at a rate we can handle – i.e. very, very slowly. Today, for example, I suggested we put the garden bunting we received as a wedding gift up on the fence. We did it together, it took us ten minutes (after which we both had to have a sit down) and we can now bask in our domestic success until the autumn – winner!

6. Make him find loyalty points as exciting as you do

A woman with an eye for a bargain is worth more to a relationship than 20 mini-breaks, and that’s a fact. Sure it’s not something for the early dating days – nobody wants to have a chat about your most recent Advantage Card points coup on a first date, but once you’re living together, a money-saving win classes as high quality banter. And what could bring more joy to a relationship than knowing you’ve made that saving together – that your combined efforts are the reasons you’re going to the cinema for free, or purchasing baked beans at half the usual retail price? Splashing your cash only gets you so far, it’s 241 coupons that are at the heart of a truly happy marriage.

Well, if those tips don’t add a touch of spice to your relationship then I don’t know what will. And sure, you can still partake in the odd weekend away or love letter writing marathon should you wish, but it’s these bad boys that will keep you going through the mundanity of modern life.

And of course, you can always try a touch of role play should it take your fancy. My current favourite costume involves my pyjamas, dressing gown, slippers and pretending to be a woman so exhausted she just falls asleep as soon as you turn on the television. I’m not sure it’s quite what Cosmopolitan had in mind.

How’s married life? Exactly the same.

02/02/2014 by Charlotte Leave a Comment

Aside from “When are you going to have a baby?”, “Are you pregnant yet?” and “Will you name your firstborn after me?”, “How’s married life?” is the question I get asked most frequently.

I don’t know what people think will happen when you get married but, in my case at least, it hasn’t changed anything at all. Sure, I got a new surname and now spend most of the day trying to remember what I’m called, and I had a ring put on my finger that has to stay there forever or the world with explode (or something like that) but otherwise things are just as they were before.

But that’s a good thing. And here’s why:

1. That’s why you got married in the first place
Getting married means: I want to be with you as I know you for the rest of my life. It doesn’t mean: marry me and then immediately change into somebody else to help keep things interesting. The fact that you get to spend your life with somebody exactly as you find them (with perhaps just a few small wardrobe improvements) is one of the main reasons marriage is so popular. There’s that, the fact that you no longer have to pretend to like nightclubs, and knowing that there will always be someone there to help you take the bin out.

2. You’ll face enough change together as it is
Life is full of surprises – some of them good, such as the release of Cadbury’s Pebbles (have you tried them? They’re delicious) and some of them bad, like when Coronation Street gets cancelled because of sport. But that’s OK because whatever comes up, you’ll take it on as a duo, so the least you can do is remain the one consistent thing in each other’s lives. If you got married, changed into different people and then ITV altered its television schedule, do you really think you could handle it?

3. If you were going to change you’d have done it by now
Remember all those hours you put in at the start of the relationship? The showers, the shaving, the pretending to be up for watching Transformers when you’d have preferred to just stare at the cinema ticket for two hours instead? Couldn’t keep that up for too long, could you? No, after a few months you settled into being real people – with opinions that differ! And bad habits you refuse to change! Like his inexplicable love for leaving boxer shorts in the middle of the bathroom floor Every. Single. Morning! And if you thought marriage was going to change any of that, I’m afraid that you were mistaken. Marriage changes nothing, it just means there will be somebody there to comment on all of your faults for the rest of your life.

4. It’s OK that you don‘t have any news
You have to accept that from the moment you said ‘I do’, you became the least interesting people in the world. Whilst the engagement is all “Oh my god!” and “How did he do it?!” and “How many strippers do you want on your hen do?”, your marriage will only spark a reaction if you co-create a human or start asking your friends to put their keys in a bowl when they arrive at your house for a dinner party. So it’s best to just take advantage of those first few months – sit back, relax and enjoy being out of the limelight. And if the only news you have to share is that you’ve started watching Modern Family or that you’ve discovered that ten is the optimum number of marshmallows to have with a hot chocolate, then so be it.

So if you want to have an interesting conversation with a newly-wed, don’t ask them what married life’s like, ask them what’s good on telly at the moment or what snacks they can recommend – they’ll have so much more to say. And if you think you can see a bump forming around her middle, I recommend checking the bin for sweet wrappers before putting yourself forward as a namesake.

10 things that should not happen during your first three months of marriage

17/11/2013 by Charlotte Leave a Comment

1. You get a sore throat that makes your voice deeper than his.

2. You get new blinds. Because when people ask what’s new with you, the answer is that you got new blinds. Nobody cares about your blinds.

3. You discover that one of the walls in your flat is riddled with damp and that you’re going to have to rip out your entire kitchen to fix it. Some of the dust might get on the blinds.

4. You find a wall of mould behind your wardrobe, that all your clothes are covered in mould and that if you’d just opened the chuffing window every once in a while this never would have happened.

5. You discuss the damp and mould situation over email and text message. I understand some people are into sexting; the only photographs we’ve sent each other recently are of dehumidifiers.

6. You spend more time speaking to British Gas about your temperamental boiler than to each other.

7. You fail to notice that your prescription for The Pill is running out, have to spend a week without it, and turn into an, albeit short-term, psychopath.

8. You develop a daily craving for boiled eggs and soldiers and start every post-work conversation with an update on the gooey-ness of that morning’s breakfast. He is not interested.

9. You get a water bill. Nobody deserves a water bill.

10. You’re forced to say “Well, thank goodness the wedding is over!” when you discover how much cash you have to spend on all of the above. Eggs don’t come cheap, you know.