Hello, my name is Charlotte Buxton and I’m 30 years old. No really, I’m FINE with it.
Last year when I turned 29 I wrote this list of things I’d learnt by that point. And in the interests of tradition (and not having to come up with some amazing new idea for a post when I’m still exhausted from opening cards and counting my wrinkles) I thought I’d do it again following this more significant birthday. So here’s 30 things I’ve learnt in the last 30 years. And no, I haven’t just copied and pasted the list from last year and added one more thing to it. I’m old, I’m not lazy.
1. I haven’t had any children, but I’m pretty sure that looking after them will be easier than trying to keep an orchid alive.
2. A good sandwich is like a good man – hard to find but when you do, do whatever it takes to make it a part of your life every single day.
3. If I’m cross, there’s a 99% chance that it’s because I’m either hungry or overtired. And heaven help you if it’s both.
4. Related: If you suggest that perhaps one of those things is the problem at the time, I will punch you in the face (unless perhaps you have a biscuit for me?)
5. All your preaching about why you shouldn’t have chocolate for breakfast goes right out of the window the moment you try Nutella.
6. Nothing cures a hangover so well as time, total isolation, and the freedom to moan until the pain stops. Water also helps.
7. However recently you finished painting your finger nails, it’s still too soon to put on an oven glove.
8. There are some things in life that can be done quickly, and putting on liquid eyeliner is not one of them.
9. See also: painting a bathroom, curling your hair, and saying good bye to your mum on the phone.
10. Nothing is more important than knowing how to use the verb ‘evacuate’ correctly.
11. Never be afraid to try a whole new hair colour. It’s 2015 – worst case scenario, someone will know how to dye that sh*t back.
12. There is pretty much no situation in life that cannot be compared to a scene from The Thick Of It.
13. Whatever time you think you put the dinner in the oven, it was five minutes before that.
14. Related: life without an egg timer is a life lived in chaos.
15. Getting people to like your ideas is one thing, persuading them to pay you for them is quite another.
16. Pedicures are just another example of one of the many forms of torture we put ourselves through in order to look nice.
17. I have always got mascara on at least three parts of my face besides my eyelashes. And it is never intentional.
18. Jobs wise, the grass is most definitely not always greener on the other side. Be sure before you cross that bridge.
19. Yes it is annoying when people put make-up on whilst on the train, but for the extra five minutes in bed it gets you, it is worth p*ssing off an entire carriage.
20. Flip-flops aren’t shoes. I know it’s hard to take, but they’re not.
21. There comes a time when hobbies stop being just a nice thing to pop at the end of your CV, and start being the most precious part of your life. For me, that time is now.
22. If nature knew what it was doing, the banana tree would also grow chewing gum to eradicate the ‘like I’ve swallowed a compost heap’ feeling you get after eating a ‘nana.
23. There is nothing more fascinating than your own head for the first four hours after a hair appointment.
24. If only Cara Delevingne had been there to demonstrate the wonder of having full eyebrows in the mid-nineties, the brows of my generation would look very different.
25. Every person who is in love believes that THEIR love is greater than any other that has ever existed. Bless.
26. Friendship takes on a whole new dimension once you hit your late twenties when everybody finally admits how chuffing HARD life can be.
27. You don’t need to marry somebody rich or famous but you do need to marry somebody who will tell you when you’ve accidentally put together an outfit which makes it look like you’re wearing pyjamas.
28. Though it doesn’t sound like a life-altering discovery, when you find out that you can freeze herbs, it CHANGES YOUR LIFE.
29. There is no greater victory in life than beating somebody at a thumb war.
30. However mature you thought you were going to be by the time you got to 30, you were wrong.
