Weddings: Get married, become a celebrity (if only for the day)

Weddings are about lots of things: love, friends, family, cake, champagne, not falling over in front of 120 people…

And for those of us who live in the real world where nobody notices if you do pretty much anything, except smudge newspaper ink all over your face or mistake a shop mannequin for a human, it’s also the closest you’ll come to being famous – if only for one day.

When I’m at a wedding, even if I’ve seen the bride and/or groom throw up after drinking too many mojitos or argue about who is better at Articulate, they’re suddenly escalated to stardom. I gasp when she enters the room, blush if he looks my way, and am willing to queue to have my picture taken with them.

Now that our wedding is only three months away, I’ve started to realise that – for just 12 hours – it’ll be us that gets treated like minor gods just for repeating the words after the registrar correctly, or consuming a canapé unsupervised.

But why does this happen?

Money money money
Weddings are expensive. And because everybody knows you’ve re-mortgaged your house, sold your priceless first edition Gary Barlow autobiography and eaten only dry Ryvita since you got engaged, the least they can do is make it worth your while. So they treat you like the new Posh and Becks / Beauty and the Beast / Ron and Hermione in the hope that the memory will keep you going when you’re still eating crackers in six months’ time.

Lights, camera, lifelong commitment!
I don’t know about you but when I apply my make-up in the morning, put on my shoes or go to the toilet, there’s nobody there to snap the evidence. But on your wedding day, you can’t burp without somebody getting it on film (so probably best not to if you can help it). Having two people change from individuals you’d normally leave to have their tea without documenting the event, to people whose every chew is worth papping, adds to the Hollywood-style illusion.

Walking into a room is harder than it looks
The best most of us can hope for when we arrive to eat dinner with pals is a friendly wave or a (hopefully) meaningless flick of the bird from our most cheeky of chums. But at weddings, the arrival of the bride and groom is worthy of the same reaction as scoring a World Cup winning goal. Look at them! Aren’t they clever! They can be married and walk into a room! You roll out the red carpet (or whichever fabric best matches the colour scheme) and give them a hero’s welcome, just for saying ‘I do’ at the right time – and then you drink everything in sight.

Eternal happiness is a strong look
It’s a fact that nobody looks better than the bride and groom on their wedding day. Even if he opts for a Dumb and Dumber inspired suit and she becomes a walking talking meringue, wedding attendance rules state that – just like publicans faced with a film star – it’s your job to tell them how fantastic they look (and then tweet what you really think later).

Everybody wants their turn
Let’s be honest, as much fun as it is to woop as the new Mr and Mrs cut a cake or shuffle around in a circle to ‘Flying without wings’, it’s even more fun to picture the day when you get to have a go. So we treat our chums to a spot of short-term celebrity, secure in the knowledge that at some point soon, they’ll do the exact same for us – and send you off into marital bliss believing OK! magazine will want to hear about it.

As somebody who cries when people sing Happy Birthday or are in any way nice to me, I think I’m going to need some practise in keeping my sh*t together in the face of all this attention.

Because if I don’t, nobody’s going to want the photographs, and that magazine deal could really come in handy.