wedding dresses

We got married

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Charlotte and Leon 2013_ Ceremony Photograph _27Good day dear readers and welcome back! Since we last met I have successfully become married (and maintained said marriage for a whole four weeks), been to the other side of the world for a honeymoon in Bali that was so good I WEPT when we left, and discovered that life as a married woman is very, very similar to life as every other type of woman I’ve ever been. (Should anything change, you’ll be the first to know).

For my first contribution to the world as Mrs B, here’s a run-down of what it’s like to have your wedding day, should any of you wish to give it a go. I strongly recommend it.

1. Throughout the morning, you will feel like you are about to do a bungee jump and that 120 of your family and friends have come to watch and photograph the occasion.

2. You will not eat. Sorry, eat? Food?! With your lips that are the only thing stopping you throwing up your intestines? Oh no. And as a result you’ll feel dangerously weak by 9pm, go in pursuit of something, anything to keep you going through the dancing and discover that your friends and family – who are apparently GANNETS – have eaten every last morsel.

3. You will spend very little time with your new wife/husband. Don’t panic though – you’ve got the honeymoon and the rest of your born days together so a little space won’t do you any harm.

4. As I’ve said before, getting married is like being a celebrity for a day.  But what I’d forgotten is that, in this scenario, it’s your friends and family who have come to see you, not some crazy strangers who’ve bought your album or stared at your airbrushed face in a magazine and convinced themselves you could be BFFs if only you could meet. And with that comes guilt that it’s mathematically impossible for you to give them all the attention they deserve. So the least you can do is make sure there’s enough booze available so they won’t remember the neglect.

5. You will never wear a better outfit in your life. Unless you have a few thousand pounds to spend on your attire every day in which case we are VERY different people.

6. You will say ‘Thank You’ more times than you will inhale. And you will mean it, too.

7. Going to the toilet is the only privacy you will get all day. And it’s marvellous. Two or three minutes of solitude without having to thank anybody or make your hilarious “I’ve not eaten since Thursday!” joke (that isn’t really a joke) for the 120th time. To any future brides, I strongly recommend purchasing a dress you can negotiate for bathroom purposes without assistance. Your bridesmaids will also be most grateful.

8. The first dance is a bizarre experience. This is best explained through the medium of pros and cons:

Pros

– It’s a chance to show your friends that you can be both wicked sick cool and profoundly romantic through the selection of just one song.

– You get to have what is basically a really big revolving hug with your new husband/wife which makes up for the total lack of time you’ll have spent together during the day.

– You can even have a little chat about how it’s all going if you’re feeling ambitious.

– It’s another opportunity for people to see just how well co-ordinated your outfits are by holding them really close together.

Cons

– You are not a dancer. And especially not one who is experienced in dancing in a full length dress and shoes you forgot to wear-in. You have nothing to offer to this dance floor.

– Your friends and family have no expectations of you – frankly, they find watching you rotate as bizarre as you do – but you can’t help but feel that you’re letting them down by failing to have a routine prepared.

– Having everybody watch you with their camera phones held up to their face is equivalent to each one of them saying: “You can’t dance; you know it and I know it. And now Facebook is going to know it too.”

9. The ceremony is the best bit. When you’re planning a wedding, the actual marriage part is just one of many, many logistics – even if it is, arguably, the most important one – and, as a result, you don’t take the time to look forward to the loveliness of saying so many super swell things to each other in such a simultaneously public yet private way. But, as it turns out, that part was positively dreamy, which is good seeing as that was the whole point of the day.

10. You do not have capacity in your brain to look forward to the day as much as you will wish you had when it’s over. It’s not possible. Your head would explode.

Wedding dilemmas: The guest list

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IMG_2901They say it’s the hardest part of any wedding. And they’re right.

I thought the dress would be difficult. Finding an item in which you look so incredible people gasp for air in your presence sounds tough. But it turns out that anyone will look nice in a wedding dress. Even someone who still has a skin condition only babies get 27 YEARS after they were born.

And finding a venue was easier than I thought too. They have food and tables and are willing to serve you booze until the early hours of the morning. What’s not to like?

But the guest list is tricky. It’s sensitive, it’s complicated and – above all else – it determines whether you’ll be so strapped for cash after the honeymoon that you have to eat your wedding cards to survive.

So how do you choose who to invite? There’s a lot of advice around about what justifies an invitation to a wedding: how long you’ve been friends, how close you are, the likelihood that they’ll buy you that Cath Kidston rolling pin you’ve had your eye on… but very little on how to rule people out. So here’s a check list to help slim down those numbers:

1) Do they get dangerously over-excited in the presence of food and booze?
It’s customary for guests to be given some kind of meal and beverage at a wedding. And if black or deep red were the colours brides wore then this may not be a problem, but white and cream are much less forgiving. One ketchupy paw here, another gravy soaked cheek there and all of a sudden your couture looks like a mucky tea towel. So choosing guests who don’t need hosing down after dinner is advisable.

2) Will they think it’s funny to shout out mid-ceremony?
When I’m standing at the altar and the shit is about to get real, I can’t imagine I’ll be in the mood for jokes. As entertaining as it is when somebody bursts in during a soap opera wedding at the ‘Does anybody have any reason why these two mugs should not be married?’ moment, I don’t think it would be so funny in real life. So if you’ve got a friend whose pursuit of laughs is likely to outweigh their fear of being punched in the face with a bouquet, maybe leave them off the list.

3) Would your fiancΓ© be better off marrying them?
The groom’s final chance to make a run for it before the ball and chain is attached comes when he’s arrived at the venue and is watching the guests arrive. So be careful not to invite anyone who might make him think he’s made the wrong choice. For example, my other half likes festivals and camping and generally being sociable outdoors. I, on the other hand, don’t even like watching festival coverage on TV because all the mud makes me angry. So I won’t be inviting any women with a penchant for portaloos lest he realises at the last minute what he’s missing. Best to opt for your most offensive acquaintances to make sure you stand out as the best option.

4) Will they notice if the registrar’s eyes don’t match the centre pieces?
As a couple for whom it took more than 12 months to change the light bulb in our bedroom, I think it’s unlikely that we will be organised enough to ensure every detail of our wedding is perfect. And that’s fine as long as nobody mentions how much of a shame it is that the wedding vows are not written in the same font as the invitations, or that the sausages on the barbecue are not the exact pink of the flowers. So I recommend crossing off any perfectionists you know and prioritising your less observant friends and relatives – they won’t notice if the wedding car banner actually says ‘Just Barried’.

5) Can they dance?
The best thing about wedding receptions is that everyone lets their hair down and dances like idiots until their feet can take no more. And just as good singers are not welcome at karaoke, good dancers have no place at weddings. I want air punching and hip thrusting and the occasional robot. So if you’re as dangerous as I am on the dance floor, leave anybody with rhythm or co-ordination at home, they’ll just make you look bad.

So there you have it. It’s a cut throat approach but at least it’ll prevent you having to spend your big day in a marquee the size of Wales.

Or if you choose to opt out then just make sure you buy some honey. Card can be ever so tasteless on its own.