vows

1. I promise that if you stay out later than you said you would, I will not be a dick about it because I am your wife and not your mother (as long as you text me to let me know you’re alive because you know how I worry).

2. I promise not to get cross if you lose your keys because one day I will lose mine and I will NOT thank you for your backchat.

3. I promise to take all anecdotes about run-ins you’ve had with customer service representatives seriously.

4. I promise to tell you if an outfit makes you look bad, mad, or like you’ve accidentally left the house wearing your pyjamas because it is my duty to play a full and active role in keeping this couple looking its most handsome.

5. I promise to let you use my shoulder as a pillow whenever and wherever you need to rest your head (although comments about it being too boney to really get comfortable will not be welcomed).

6. I promise that if we are ever in a social situation and I notice that you have food on your face or in your teeth, I will do whatever it takes to let you know – mime, text messaging, writing in the sky, anything.

7. I promise that if you say TAKEAWAY? I’ll say YES.

8. I promise to always be available to help you rationalise not going to the gym so that you can stay in to eat sweets and watch Ace Ventura/Wayne’s World/Beethoven’s 2nd. In this endeavour, you will always have my unwavering support.

9. I promise to remember that the person you become when our Wi-Fi connection is broken is not who you really are.

10. I promise to reassure you when you wake in the middle of the night, sit up, and start talking to yourself about how you’re going to FIGHT EVERYONE as soon as you work out how to take off this costume made of jelly, that no you’re not, you’re just dreaming, now let’s lie down and go back to sleep.