gift list

1. An iPad. Nice try.

2. Socks. What, are you going to put pants on there too? Come on.

3. Clothes for children you haven’t yet spawned. It’s weird.

4. A toilet brush. Nobody wants to buy you that.

5. Anything else to do with your toilet. Rolls, duck and amusing seats are also out of the question.

6. Incense sticks. I’m sorry, are you getting married in the nineties?

7. A year’s supply of birthday presents for other people. Don’t pretend it hasn’t crossed your mind.

8. Same goes for wrapping paper.

9. His and Hers ANYTHING WHATSOEVER.

10. An apron that makes it look like you’re wearing women’s underwear. Do I need to explain why?

11. Massage oil. You’re getting married; you’re way passed all that.

12. An ironing board. People don’t want one for themselves, let alone you.

13. Coat hangers. Yes it would be nice if they all matched but let’s not peak too soon.

14. A pumice stone. No guest will enjoy being responsible for the smoothness of your feet.

15. A banana guard. Even when they understand it’s for, it’ll still make people uncomfortable.

16. Headphones. Noise cancelling technology doesn’t exactly say true love, does it?

17. A tamagotchi. No it is not a good way to test if you would be good parents.

18. A bread maker – unless you aspire to put on three stone in your first month of marriage.

19. An ‘Oh no not you again!’ doormat (Yes, they exist). The one person it genuinely applies to will be the one to buy it for you. The ‘Wow! Nice Underwear‘ mat is probably best avoided too.

20. The Kama Sutra. Don’t give your guests nightmares.

21. Shoes. I know, I was gutted too.