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bride

We got married

06/10/2013 by Charlotte 1 Comment

Charlotte and Leon 2013_ Ceremony Photograph _27Good day dear readers and welcome back! Since we last met I have successfully become married (and maintained said marriage for a whole four weeks), been to the other side of the world for a honeymoon in Bali that was so good I WEPT when we left, and discovered that life as a married woman is very, very similar to life as every other type of woman I’ve ever been. (Should anything change, you’ll be the first to know).

For my first contribution to the world as Mrs B, here’s a run-down of what it’s like to have your wedding day, should any of you wish to give it a go. I strongly recommend it.

1. Throughout the morning, you will feel like you are about to do a bungee jump and that 120 of your family and friends have come to watch and photograph the occasion.

2. You will not eat. Sorry, eat? Food?! With your lips that are the only thing stopping you throwing up your intestines? Oh no. And as a result you’ll feel dangerously weak by 9pm, go in pursuit of something, anything to keep you going through the dancing and discover that your friends and family – who are apparently GANNETS – have eaten every last morsel.

3. You will spend very little time with your new wife/husband. Don’t panic though – you’ve got the honeymoon and the rest of your born days together so a little space won’t do you any harm.

4. As I’ve said before, getting married is like being a celebrity for a day.  But what I’d forgotten is that, in this scenario, it’s your friends and family who have come to see you, not some crazy strangers who’ve bought your album or stared at your airbrushed face in a magazine and convinced themselves you could be BFFs if only you could meet. And with that comes guilt that it’s mathematically impossible for you to give them all the attention they deserve. So the least you can do is make sure there’s enough booze available so they won’t remember the neglect.

5. You will never wear a better outfit in your life. Unless you have a few thousand pounds to spend on your attire every day in which case we are VERY different people.

6. You will say ‘Thank You’ more times than you will inhale. And you will mean it, too.

7. Going to the toilet is the only privacy you will get all day. And it’s marvellous. Two or three minutes of solitude without having to thank anybody or make your hilarious “I’ve not eaten since Thursday!” joke (that isn’t really a joke) for the 120th time. To any future brides, I strongly recommend purchasing a dress you can negotiate for bathroom purposes without assistance. Your bridesmaids will also be most grateful.

8. The first dance is a bizarre experience. This is best explained through the medium of pros and cons:

Pros

– It’s a chance to show your friends that you can be both wicked sick cool and profoundly romantic through the selection of just one song.

– You get to have what is basically a really big revolving hug with your new husband/wife which makes up for the total lack of time you’ll have spent together during the day.

– You can even have a little chat about how it’s all going if you’re feeling ambitious.

– It’s another opportunity for people to see just how well co-ordinated your outfits are by holding them really close together.

Cons

– You are not a dancer. And especially not one who is experienced in dancing in a full length dress and shoes you forgot to wear-in. You have nothing to offer to this dance floor.

– Your friends and family have no expectations of you – frankly, they find watching you rotate as bizarre as you do – but you can’t help but feel that you’re letting them down by failing to have a routine prepared.

– Having everybody watch you with their camera phones held up to their face is equivalent to each one of them saying: “You can’t dance; you know it and I know it. And now Facebook is going to know it too.”

9. The ceremony is the best bit. When you’re planning a wedding, the actual marriage part is just one of many, many logistics – even if it is, arguably, the most important one – and, as a result, you don’t take the time to look forward to the loveliness of saying so many super swell things to each other in such a simultaneously public yet private way. But, as it turns out, that part was positively dreamy, which is good seeing as that was the whole point of the day.

10. You do not have capacity in your brain to look forward to the day as much as you will wish you had when it’s over. It’s not possible. Your head would explode.

Posted in: ON RELATIONSHIPS, ON WEDDINGS Tagged: bride, brides, marriage, wedding, wedding dresses, wedding guests, weddings

Four things I will not miss about being single

01/09/2013 by Charlotte 4 Comments

Four things I will not miss about being singleWith just six sleeps and five episodes of Coronation Street standing between me marriage, I thought now was the time to bid a formal adieu to my single days with a countdown of the top four things I will miss the least about being Miss Reeve…

1. Texting
Will he reply? Won’t he reply? Did he realise that the comment I made about the level of time I spend in my pyjamas was definitely a joke and not evidence that I have mental health problems? Does he think my use of emoticons is excessive? Should I take his lacks of kisses as a sign that he despises me? Does the inclusion of two kisses mean he’s totally interested? Was that text message really meant for me? Am I leaving big enough gaps between my replies? If I use ellipses is he automatically going to assume that I’m up for it? What does ‘What are you up to?’ even mean? How specific should I be? ‘Just rustling up a pasta, sauce and cheese dinner’ seems a bit dull but that is literally what I’m up to…

Marrying a man who only ever sends me texts to ask if we need anything from the supermarket or if he’s free on an upcoming Saturday as he’d really like to go and watch some very dull-sounding rugby, will make the whole texting business a much simpler affair.

2. Ballads
Sinead O’Connor, The Honeyz, Lionel Richie, Celine Dion, nineties boy band album tracks… they were all the soundtrack to years of sobbing into a pillow whenever the proverbial love train was taken out of service:

“Hello? Is it me you’re looking for? WHY NOT I’M EXCELLENT AT CONVERSATION!”

“I know what the Backstreet Boys mean, I want it that way too! TELL ME WHY!”

“Please! [enter name of boy/man who decided his life would be less irritating without me] THINK TWICE, FOR THE SAKE OF OUR LOVE, FOR THE MEMORIES!”

“I go out every night and sleep all day, since you took your love away (although to be fair I am a student so I’d probably have been doing that anyway).”

Now I can just listen to these songs as they were supposed to be listened to: whilst dusting the coffee table of a Sunday morning and marvelling at my ability to hold the final TWIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE in Think Twice all the way through (with only three short breathing breaks).

3. Fashion faux pas
I’m not going to get married and then instantly stop shaving my legs, washing my face or changing my underwear (we’ve already been together eight years so that all stopped ages ago, right ladies?! HEY-O) but I am going to enjoy chilling-the-chuff-out about my wardrobe choices.

I spent years with my stomach in knots as I realised that of course all the other girls knew that this was clearly a tops and jeans event when I had decided to wear a psychedelic nylon dress, or that obviously fancy dress is an opportunity for girls to attempt to look sexy and not just wear pyjamas and claim to be the boy from The Snowman.

Surely once I’m married I can just wear what I want, where I want. And by what I mean my dressing gown and by where I mean EVERYWHERE.

4. Base chat
Nobody ever forgets being called the dreaded F word (which in this case is frigid, although fat, frumpy and freakishly tall are also rather nasty ones), especially when it’s said by a person so unappealing that the world would be better off just coming to an end than using him to repopulate the earth. And so it comes as something of a relief to get married and move into the category of people whose love lives NOBODY wants to hear about.

As I have written before, there is nothing more awful or disgusting than the thought of people who are in a relationship – let alone married – partaking in bedroom-based activities. It is wrong and weird and enough to make a person vomit up their Monster Munch. I can do it or I cannot do it (or I can wait ’til all the housework is done to my satisfaction before even thinking about doing it like any normal person) and nobody need ever know.

Well, what a lovely note to end on! Blog fans, please note that I am taking a month off writing silly words for the purposes of having a wedding, a honeymoon and at least 30 days of marriage where I don’t publicly mock my new husband for still being unable to switch the bathroom light off… 

See you in October!

Posted in: ON RELATIONSHIPS, ON WEDDINGS Tagged: bride, clothes, growing up, marriage, relationships, sex, wedding

Hens vs stags: Two very different dos

04/08/2013 by Charlotte Leave a Comment

Hen do badgeLocation
Me: Manchester
Him: Munich

Paraphernalia
Me: Two pink sashes, one balloon, and one excellent badge (see right).
Him: PVC lederhosen.

Memory
Me: I can remember every single thing. Every drink, every dance move, every cupcake with a picture of the groom’s face printed on it.
Him: Absolutely none whatsoever beyond 10pm (although he can’t actually remember the precise time he lost his memory so it was probably a lot earlier than that).

Dancing
Me: Enough to excuse me from exercise for at least a month / that it’s a wonder nobody got hurt / that I must never become famous lest the CCTV footage comes back to haunt me.
Him: I’m not sure if stumbling into a cutlery table and smashing it all over the floor of a busy restaurant really counts as dancing…

Entertainment
Me: Food, sitting down, spa treatments, and cabaret featuring a Madonna montage that was so perfect it made me want to buy a cone shaped bra. I’m sure I’d get a lot of wear out of it.
Him: Does watching your friend ‘tombstone’ your best man into a breeze block, knocking him unconscious, count as entertainment? I’m told the answer is ‘not at the time but absolutely 100% yes the following day’.

Vomiting
Me: Ok, perhaps a little but it’s not my fault my food allergies couldn’t even give me my hen do weekend off.
Him: A good keg’s worth each, apparently. But if you will drink your weight in beer and jagermeister, you will suffer the consequences.

Casualties
Me: One pedicure chip caused – I believe – by over kicking to Footloose.
Him: I’m told that at the height of his inebriation he demanded an ambulance be called. Thankfully nobody was sober enough to dial 1.1.2 in the right order so he just had to sleep/vomit it off instead.

Photos
Me: We’re women: if we did it, we snapped it.
Him: Once you’ve seen one picture of your future husband in tight PVC shorts, there’s really no need to see more.

Recovery
Me: I’m writing this on the same day as I returned from the hen so I think I’m through the worst of it.
Him: Completion date TBC.

Posted in: Uncategorized Tagged: alcohol, bride, clothes, dancing, friends, going out, marriage, men, vomit, wedding, women

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